Time Flies When You are having Fun

I found this blog by accident tonight. I re-read every post that I wrote 9 years ago. 9 years ago. So much has happened. My little firecracker has come, grown and is currently 9 years old and in 4th grade. Just like the 2 angels I have in heaven, we have 2 rainbow babies. Firecracker's baby brother was born when she was 18 months old in January 2013. Like her brother this snowflake is currently 7 years old and starting 2nd grade. It was scary after I had our son. It was 2 babies in 18 months and when my snowflake was just 10 days old, I had a major bleed. probably from the fibroid in my uterus wall they kept me from carrying those first two babies but I was rushed to the hospita, lost a lot of blood and ultimately to save my life Dr. T had to perform a partial hysterectomy at 41 years old. So this is the end of my pregnancy stories. No more shots, dr visits, ultrasounds, pregancy and delivery. Somehow lookign back at it I realize I was at peace with God's plan. We may have gone through ups and downs for 4 years but we will always have our 2 rainbow babies to go with out 2 angels in heaven. When i read those posts, I felt those emotions like it was yesterday. I remember feeling out of control and helpless. I remember being alone, and not wanting to get up and start another day. I am so glad that I did. I am so glad that we pushed on and that we kept fighting. I also am so glad that I did this blog. I did not forget any of you or your stories. I keep them all with me in my heart and someday I will share them with our firecracker and snowflake when they are old enough to understand how much we did to bring them into this world. There are still nights of exhaustion. There are still days that I feel like a failure. Who knew that I would bring into this world 2 beautiful children and 9 years later have a terrible global pandemic change everything we had dreamed and planned for these kids. For the last 6 months, we have washed our hands till they were raw, homeschooled for 3 months and tried to work from home and run my lawfirm while keeping these two children safe. What world are we saving our children for? Will this pandemic ever end? Can they have a normal life? They spend their days in masks, use hand sanitizer and social distance for 6 feet. These things are things that seem so foreign 9 years ago when I made the last entry. These are the daily lives of our fireecracker and snowflake. What they will remember when they look back at 2020. Will they remember the scary and the isolation from their friends and school. Or will they remember shopping for their first RV and camping trips in Stone Mountain and Myrtle BEach instead of summer camps. It was a different year, but I think it may have been a year we needed. We were rushing too fast, too far and we had been trying to keep it all together. For 6 months it has just been the 4 of us and the dogs and we got our family back on track. I dont know how the pandemic ends. I only know that like our infertility journey we take it one day at a time and hold our breath when we feel out of control. Hope for the best but expect the worst. We have been home 164 days until the kids had their first day of school. I didnt think we would have made that but we did. We are a family of fighters and we will continue. Stay strong my sisters, you are beautiful wonderful women and you will get your rainbow baby. I know it. The firecracker and the snowflake are proof dreams do come true. Believe in yourself and the power of faith and prayer. I know I do and in these times it is what keeps me asking what more I can do to save this world and make it a place firecracker and snowflake can grow and learn and mature. Praying for us all. Love to us all. Keep the dream alive.

Our Firecracker is here!!

Our daughter Mackenzie( better known as our firecracker) arrived on July 13, 2011 at 5:11pm via c-section at 8 lbs 10 oz and 20 inches. I also got my wish from the last post, she is the spitting image of her father in her personality, demeanor, way she sleeps, right down to her baby blues ( i know they will probably change ) but I love looking into her little face that there she is no doubt Daddy's little girl.

The c section went well for a major surgery. I had a great hospital with great staff and I enjoyed my 3 day stay more than I think since my home was over run with parents and in laws. The calming of the room, having baby Mackenzie sleep next to me all during the stay made for some great mommy/daughter bonding in the early days of her life. It also allowed me to recover. The c section only hard thing to recover is the incision..the staples have been leaking,an early return to my doctor but otherwise I feel really well.

We came home on Saturday to pink balloons and a story in the yard announcing our arrival and a wonderful home cooked meal with family. It was nice to see all those who have loved and supported us through this journey be able to hold and hug our baby. At the same time it has been quite overwhelming. All I wanted is a little piece of quiet and a place to heal and try and breastfeed our daughter. There has been very little of the above and I have taken to counting down to when everyone goes home ( 3 days left) but I have enjoyed the help with the food and laundry.

When you breastfeed, you and baby are inseperable which has not given me a lot of time to get anything else done or to heal. With the draining incision, I have had to lay more than I would like but it is improving each day. I am trying to catch up on my library books, and reading newspaper but I also catnap when Mackenzie naps.

Mackenzie does not like a sponge bath, or her little hand mittens for her nails. She does like her dog siblings,breastfeeding ( thank god),her swing, and her bobby pillow. It is amazing as she is 10 days old today and I do not know what our home was like without her.

I thank god for her, I thank my friends and family for their prayers and their support. I am grateful that she is here and thriving. I am praying for all those who share my journey. ( a great article in today's Wall Street Journal called "My Fertility Crisis" made me cry)...I pray for my 2 angels who are watching down over their sister who they helped guide to this end. Thank you my darlings, Mommy loves all her children and today that is just enough.

Today is the day

I love shipwrecks and there is a great story about the Atocha ship off Florida Keys. It was sunk in the 1600s filled with Spanish gold and silver. Mel Fisher serachedf or over 10 years to find this vessel and every morning he would not get discouraged with his failures, his losses, he would simply say "Today's the Day" and one day it was and he found the vessel and has and continues to recover billion of dollars.

So Today's the Day! We are off to the hospital for a c section today at 1:30. Baby girl has never dropped, never engaged and no movement in dillation or cervix. Last ultrasound last week had the estimate at 9lbs and the dr believes the reason at 40 weeks we have no movement is that the little firecracker has nowhere to go. So off to hospital we go.

I am fine with the c section. This child was created with the help of science, 4 surgeries and I am fine with her delivery being with the help of science and a surgery.

I went yesterday for the pre registration at the hospital and they were very busy and disorganzied. I did not like that feeling as it did not reassure me that everything would be smooth but eventually they were able to get the doctor's paperwork and go through the checklist.

So now, I have the bad packed, and my family are all eating breakfast in the other room as I cannot eat or drink anything until surgery. I still have heartburn and I took the last one I said good bye to Tums and hope that I get some relief from the heartburn.

I will update later but it is near the end of a long journey...22 months, 2 miscarriages, 4 surgeries and many tears, shots, prayers. It is near the end to see our firecracker. Thank you for the prayers, thanks for the good thoughts. Let's hope firecracker is calm and cool like her father this morning as he is my rock and we would not be here without him.

Last Weekend Alone.

This is hubby and I's last weekend alone of just us and the dogs. I am going to cherish it. 4th of July has always been my favorite holiday and I love being home for it. Normally we go to Pennsylvania to visit my parents which is also nice since it is so much cooler there than here and I can really say I will miss it this year.

Instead it will be just us for the long weekend waiting for our little firecracker's arrival. I went to the dr today and he said strong heartbeat, baby in right position but not dropped or engaged and we have a big zero on cervix. So we wait as it is in God's hands. We have ultrasound on Tuesday and then Dr appointment on Wednesday so by then we will have more answers. If baby girl is smaller, plan is to wait for her arrival. If baby girl is big we can talk inducement, and if she is really big we are talking c-section. None of this can we control and we will just wait until next week to see what God has in store for us. I am big bumped at 37 lbs but I feel great just really round right now...which is good.

Why is this our last weekend alone? Because on Tuesday my inlaws come for 3 weeks and then on Thursday my parents come for the month. Everyone wants to be here for the arrival of their first grandchild. I have always said I want her to come in June but I think this child knows I am still working (mom has a few more things to do) and how much she means to everyone that she is waiting for their arrival before she makes her debut. It is just very stressful with both our families staying under our roof together. We have to worry about their rooms, towels, food and meals. We have had to make a list of instructions of how to...how to turn on tv, how to use stove, how to lock up house, how to feed the dogs. It has been a crazy last two weeks but I think by July 5 we will be ready.

So here is to our last long weekend of just us...just love, just time, no schedules, no deadlines...

Father's Day and 36 weeks 4 days.

I want to say Happy Father's Day to my husband. Today I let him sleep in and I took the two dogs out for their morning walk. This is a lot to do for me since we live in Florida where the temperatures are now in the 100s. I hide from the sun my enemy at all times. No man could have done more for me these past 2 years from the tears, the fears the money worries and these last 9 months of hormones he has stood by me and loved me and reassured me that no matter what it is gonna be alright. I love you dear and having you with me has made this process so much more enjoyable.

I am officially 36 weeks and 4 days. I am dying in the heat here in Florida. I am still working so I get up each morning and put on the lightest layers of clothes i can find since I am pretty sure I cannot go to work naked although it would be very helpful to me and baby girl. I come home and take naps. I am having a hard time now getting settled into bed but once I do I am out like a light. My hubby says there is no way I can add any more pillows to the bed but I think that is more than possible. Especially to help prevent the dreaded charlie horses which seem to be coming more and more often now.

Dr t said baby firecracker is in position but has not engaged yet. He also said she will not be a premie and he is concered she maybe too large come her due date so we have a ultrasound on July 5 to check for size. I am not upset about this and this child was created by the help of science she can be delivered with the help of science. If it is a scheduled c section then it is in god's hands. I have gained 33 lbs in this process and I feel like a reverse turtle..everything up front. We will see what Dr T. says on Thursday's appointment. My hubby's family arrives July 5, mine arrives July 7 so in away it all may be headed to an inevitable delivery.

Baby is still high to me but she has definately moved down off my stomach because the indigestion is less and the bathroom breaks are more frequent. I know she is getting crowded because her kicks are stronger and less movement. I started writting things down that I want to be sure to tell her:
1) how I cried before and after every dr appointment;
2) how I held my breath at every ultrasound and did not immediately look at the screen;
3) how I talked to her even when I knew she could not hear me;
4) how I prayed every day for her;
5) how we want her so very much and cannot wait to meet her.

I know there is more but it was a start. I am still uncovering all the shower gifts, cards and trying to get the nursery ready in case she arrives early. It is hard to hide all the pink things when our families do not know our little firecracker is a girl!!!

Love and prayers to all...the journey is never over and I am here in teh next phase...but I am always with you.

Happy Graduation!!!

Last night , my husband and I graduated. Not from college, but from our Lamaze course. For the last 4 weeks for 3 hrs a night, we spent time with 6 other couples and our instructor to learn all about breathing, relaxation, and labor. I really think my husband enjoyed being part of it. It is hard I think for him to feel as connected as I am since I am the one with all the physical symptoms. He is ready to go on breathing and is already excited about packing the hospital bag.

I did do one thing that I am proud of in that class. On the first night, everyone went around the room and the teacher asked some icebreaker questions and one was "what is the worst part of pregnancy?" When it came to me I said "nothing" and with tears in my eyes I explained briefly how much we went through to get here and our two losses and how every day is wonderful. One of the girls in the room caught her breath when I said 2 losses..as I heard her gasp. I am proud I said it. I am not boasting but I wanted to remember the past, remember the struggle and remind others that this is not always an easy road as it seems in movies and books. Everyday I cherish this point in the journey, I thank God for getting me through to this point and I continue to ask him to stay with us on this journey to the end of the rainbow.

We have our 32nd week appointment tomorrow. We ordered a crib but otherwise still working on get settled for our little July firecracker to arrive. I have been talking to her for a while and I want her to come end of June so we are in negotiations. If she is anything like me, she has a mind of her own and will come when she is ready and not a minute before. I feel very good...I have gained weight. I sleep hard and still have to remind myself to eat on busy days but this is a good month of together time just me and my husband.

Our dogs know something is coming, they do not know what but they are ready to enlarge "our pack" and for the first time so am I.

Love and support always to everyone and thanks for holding my hand (through a computer) on my journey. I never would be here without you strong, brave women who have shared, supported and cared for me...a woman you have never seen, do not really know, but embraced my dreams and fears just the same.

Easter on the way!!!!

Yes it has been one more month since my last post. Work and family visits have been the culprit. I need to get work under control. I have no idea as to how much time I will take off and or who will cover my cases while I am gone and it serves to be a source of panic. I know I still have time but not much. I am going to consult my other friends and see what they did when the babies were born and when they returned to work for ideas but I need to plan...since I am such a planner.

Baby girl is doing well. She is kicking like crazy and especially at night when I want to sleep. Last doctor appointment we were right on track for 26 weeks and I have gained 18lbs. I don't eat so much at meal times but I need to eat to keep my energy up. I also have low iron (common) so I am on supplements now. Trying to fight the dreaded constipation. Then I had a semi high sugar test so I had to have the 4 hour glucose fast test. If you have ever had it done it is just sugar and no food...I think that baby girl did sugar cartwheels for the rest of the day after the test. We get the results next week and I really hope we do not have gestational diabetes. We have no family history but I am over 35 and Dr. T said we will cross that bridge when we get the test results back. I love him that he keeps me calm when I think I am going to go crazy.

Hubby and I have finished the babies room ( painting) but we have no furniture and I am completely overwhelmed about what to buy,what to register, how much do I need? I think the office and our friends are planning a shower which seems fine considering we have nothing for baby girl but a nice clean room....and we did pick her name which shall be revealed on her birthday. I guess we are ready?

I think I am overwhelemed with what to buy, how to feed the baby, all the family that will be here when she is born, the fear of failure, what to do at work that I just avoid starting the list of things to buy or do. Today I will try and sign us up for our birthing classes which is another step in the right direction but I am afraid I am procrastinating. I need to just trudge on...so wish me luck.

My parents had so much fun when they were here last month that they are returning this week to spend Easter with us. Tomorrow is Palm sunday and let's go church and hope we can cherish the holiday with family and friends. Let's hope I too can find some answers of what needs to be done and get ready for our baby girl's arrival.

You are all in my thoughts and prayers always. I am grateful for this page and for the few who read it and send comments. It has been a support and I have met some wonderful brave and strong women who I am continually amazed by each day.