Our little July Firecracker

My second favorite holiday is 4th of July. I do not know if it is the heart of summer,fun and food or the patriotism but it is my favorite holiday behind Thanksgiving. After all my doctor appointments this week, it is my favorite month because it is when our first child is due - July 14, 2011.

My appointment with the RE on November 30, 2010 was scary but very positive. I think my husband and I held out breathe as the doctor came in and started the ultrasound. In fact I did not even look at the screen initially because I was afraid what would be there or not be there. Then the RE turned on the sound and I heard the sweetest noise in the world as our baby's heartbeat. I have never heard such a beautiful sound. The RE said all measurements looked great and he said congratulations and officially graduated us from his program. I think we were still in such shock that we could not even process all the information. The doctor's office gave us a nice graduation package and our babies first teddy bear and photo. I wanted to stare at the screen all day so I guess the photo was a good alternative.

After being released from my RE it was back to my OBGYN who I knew because of my history would want to see me sooner than later which was today December 2, 2010. I was the only patient there this morning and Dr. T took his time. He went over all my records from the RE and I can tell he was going slow so not to get too excited. Then was time for the ultrasound and once again I held my breath. I do not know when and if I will ever stop worrying and actually enjoy these exams but they are still so taxing. There was our little July firecracker with its heart beating away and had even grown in just 2 days from last ultrasound. I was so happy and so was Dr. T. He said "this is a good thing" and he acknowledged that I have been waiting so long for some good news and he was glad to be able to give it to me. He gave me all the normal cautions but he was truly happy with my exam and our little firecracker who measured at 8 weeks. He wants to see me again in 2 weeks just before we leave to go home to my family for Christmas when we should be about 10 weeks. I started to breathe after I left his office.

I want to say thank you to everyone who has been praying for us these last few weeks. I can feel your prayers and I rely on your strength. I still worry every day, I still feel like the other shoe is gonna drop, but I am slowly able to embrace the joy of this pregnancy. I miss my two other pregnancies but I have learned so much and like Dr. T said I have waited a long time just to get to this point it feels good to be in the moment and we are happy just to be here. God is truly all powerful and I thank him for this July blessing every second of the day. Thank you all for being here on the walk and to all of us who still have our journeys to go I am believing in you, for me and for all of us.

Giving Thanks

For the first time in the 10 years my husband and I have been together we are spending this holiday alone. Although it is my favorite holiday next to 4th of July, I am actually looking forward to it. No traveling hassels, no cleaning for company, no preparing meals, no extended house visitors, no family quarrels.

On the flip side I do miss my parents and my mother's soothing conversations and quality tips in the kitchen. I will be home for Christmas and I will get my fill then. So what are we going to do the long weekend???? Relax, rest, clean out a garage(my hubby's list), clean out a closet(my hubby's list)decorate for xmas ( my list).
Anything to keep us busy and keep my mind off Tuesday Doctor appointment. It is early and I have to go out of town for a big case immediately after so I am looking forward to having something else to think about than the results.

I will be 7 weeks and 3 days and I have never had a good appointment at that phase so I am praying and hoping for the best. I have had a tough week of sour stomach and I think I have drank enough ginger ale my blood type is changing to "Canada Dry." Otherwise I am doing well. I am thankful for my husband and my family. I am thankful for this child which continues to grow and prosper. I am thankful for the strong women who have encouraged me on this trip especially when I really needed it.

I am thankful we have all made it through the tough times and I am hoping our futures are full of bright happy memories. I think I will rest this weekend so no posts until after doctor appointment on November 30. Until then I will keep positive thoughts, and praying and believing...I am thankful I can do that this year!

Off the wagon in a moment of weaknes...

The last 10 days have been a blurr.... I have not had anytime to write down all the feelings that I have now that I can confirm I am pregnant. The 2 blood tests were positive and the levels were properly doubling...(thank you lord). Tomorrow we are officially 6 weeks which makes me scared because in the past we never seem to get past that week.

I know that I am not supposed to compare my past to my future.
I know each pregnancy is different.
I do not want to be overly hopeful but I do not want to deny this child any joy.

Therefore, I keep telling myself "I can be blessed, or I can be stressed and I choose to be blessed." I am thinking about cross stitching it on a sampler since I have been saying it so often these past weeks.

Thankful for all the nice comments and prayers you have all sent.(keep them coming as I am sending them back to you).

We have not told anyone here this time. I don't know why but we will when we are both ready. Our next appointment is on November 30, 2010 for first ultrasound...again never been a good experience in the past and just thinking of it makes me nervous. I have realized in the media recently so many women are coming forward with their miscarriages ( Celion Dion, Mariah Carey, Pink, Guiliana Ranic)...a sorority of amazing women who have walked in our shoes and are so strong and brave to share their struggles and joys in public. I hope to find that courage someday too.

Slowly I tell myself..there is nothing I can do....I have faith.. I believe...I know all things are possible through God and I am thankful for this blessing this month...I just fall off the wagon sometimes and the power or negativity is so strong in moment of weakness is the darkest. But then the sun comes up and I realize we have made it through another day and I say thank you...We are blessed...We will not give up... we will make it... afterall I believe someday we all will.

A Wide Range of Emotions.

I am happy.

I am scared.

I am excited.

I am worried.

I am hopeful.

I am guarded.

I am thankful.

I am fearful.

I am PREGNANT....confirmed by doctor's office this morning.

I cannot put into words to describe much anything else right now. Maybe when the shock wears off or maybe when I return from Wednesday's doctor appointment I will be able to compose my thoughts better. All I can say is I am living in the moment and most thankful to be here.

Its only words.....

Today I was putting away the many, and I mean many of receipts and paperwork we have collected from visits to the doctor. I was looking at the receipt from our second IUI last week and the office had circled "ovulatory dysfunction". As if I did not need anymore pressure that this infertility is my fault since I am older than my husband, I am the one who had the cysts and the fibroids. My husband is the one who has A+ sperm samples month after month. Maybe I am reading too much into this but I felt suddenly more broken than normal. It was like by those words even the doctor was admitting our infertility was my fault. I cannot fix it. I cannot change it. I want so badly to resolve this issue but as I read those words I felt more helpless and more responsible. Maybe its my mid week let down but today was not good for me either personally and or professionally and those words just made it worse. Friday is the office Halloween party where everyone is goign to be bringing their kids to the office for lunch and a costume parade. I am not looking forward to it despite the fact that I am one of the judges for the best costume contest. This week I just feel like the player who never gets to play. Whoever said "words will never hurt me" has never walked in these size 8 1/2 shoes.

Being Defeated Is Temporary;Giving Up is Permanent

Today is my second IUI with my Re. The first 2 weeks of the cycle has been so busy that I cannot believe the day is here already. I had a tense moment on Monday when I went in for an ultrasound and they thought I had a cyst ( at which point they would not let us go forward with trying this cycle) but then a second technician came in and she announced it was a follicle and we were off!!! I also had my parents in town so any drama would not have been good.

Not to mention, I had to fly to New York on Tuesday and I had to carry my syringes with me because after the doctor viewed the ultrasound he announced we have one very large follicle and I would have to give myself my injections Tuesday night as I traveled back from NYC. In case anyone ever wonders you can take syringes on the plane in your carry on ( after hours of research on TSA website). I had no problems going through security in Florida or New York. The only weird incident was that I had to give myself the injections in a bathroom stall in the LaGuardia airport. I will admit not my best moment, but today as I get ready to go for my second IUI it is all worth it. It was a great conference of women in leadership and it was very empowering and wonderful to be with such strong women and hear their viewpoints on leadership and work and families.

I also realized looking at my trusty calender that today would be our due date for our second loss and tomorrow would be one year anniversary (sad) from our first loss D and C. Hence the quote on the top: I realize I am defeated but I not going to give up. I feel sad for all we do not have. I am sad that we have so many losses and so many trials/struggles/failures in the last 15 months. I wish I could have been celebrating with my family our childs due date instead of asking them to pray for us as we are in the middle of TTC#2. In spite of the emptiness that no matter what I do I still have, I have to move forward. I hope that today we will be like a phoenix rising from the ashes and we will have some success from all the saddness of October memories. I am sad, I am scared, I am cautious but I am hopeful and I am having faith we can get up and go through all of this again this month and hope for the best results.

In god there is no failure, so even though the overwhelming feeling of failure I have about my fertility, I blame myself for my age, for my body , everything I think about this process I have or do blame myself but I know that God everything is possible and I hope this is possible for us in October! I am off to the doctor's office with all these emotions hoping for the best but expecting the worst...just like every day in this fertility process but I have faith and today that is something!!!

Some fun but time flies!!!!

I realized this evening that I have not posted in over 11 days. I knew that my work schedule was going to be busy and it was more than I anticipated. Time did fly at the RE as well, ultrasound check ok, new drug prescriptions (another small fortune) and new dates for this week. Tomorrow another dr exam to see if we have had a good reaction to the meds and can try this week on TTC#2. Keeping our fingers crossed. I hope that time flies during the next 2 weeks as fast as it has been the last 11 days. This post is not all about baby making which is not all bad.

First, a big kudos to my husband who since August 1 has lost 40 lbs on his diet. He keeps me honest and the 19 lbs I lost are good too. Second, I had a great weekend with my parents. My parents live 1,000 miles away and were visiting for the last 5 days. It can be a stressful time but my mom and I went to 8 stores in 2 days trying to stimulate Floria's economy. It was a good time filled with laughter, window shopping and great thanksgiving decorations. I will not see them again until Christmas and there is a lot of time before then. I enjoyed their visit and it was good to not be able to obsess over everything for a while. I have to go to New York this week on business for the day and my mother helped me pick out a nice stylish outfit and new shoes ( what woman does not like a good pair of shoes).

Finally, thanks to my good friend who remembered Friday was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. She had gone on the internet and ordered a pin of pink and blue and a bracelet for me to wear. It was very thoughtful and very nice to be able to share the loss with my small portion of the world. There were times when I want no one to know of our losses and then there are times I want to scream it from the roof tops. This weekend it was the latter. Thank you to my two guardian angels watching over me. Mommy loves you both always.

I hope to a good week for all of us an safe travels to my family and a good news to all of our prayers.