The Results are in:

The results are in and they are negative. I really do not even like the color pink but everytime I seem to take a pregnancy test I find myself begging and praying for 2 pink lines. The wind really does come out of your sails when the result is one shiny bright pink line instead of two. Once I confirmed that TTC cycle#1 was not a success, I looked at my trusty pocket calender and I realized I will be away this week when I am to have an exam and start my medications. I called the RE and thank god I got the "good nurse" who calmly listened to all my fears. She then went over all of my results with me of the cycle #1 and she said there would be no changes for October or TTC cycle #2 and all of my exams and tests results were right where they wanted them to be for the treatment. She also called in my perscription and gave me an appointment for Tuesday when I am back in town. I really love "the good nurse" and she talked me down off the wall I had scaled myself on.

I am not going to say I was not sad today. I felt like I was a year older than last year when we were pregnant and maybe that is it. I have to say being 38 is scary because my ob always said make sure you have all your kids before you are 40 . Why? He never said but I do feel like I am in a hourglass and the sands are quickly slipping by me. I was sad because I felt like we had done the most aggressive approach and it did not work any better than when my husband and I were just trying on our own. But then I blinked away some tears and tried to focus that I am doing all I can do. I have a doctor who I trust and who trusts me and this treatment. I have gone through one cycle now so I know what to expect, how to handle the medications. I will be better next time. I have to be positive or else I will cry.

My husband was there to be supportive. He tried to make me laugh by saying "when" we conceive this month the baby will be born in July, which is an inside joke because we both have parents born that month that are stubborn, hard headed and strong willed. It would be a fitting to have our child carry on that personality. I have my parents in town this month so as much stress as that can add it will be a nice change. I will have to hide the pocket calender during their visit(smile). So I am on the couch waiting for the Braves baseball game to start trying to feel too much like a failure and trying to remember my rainbow is out there and I just have to find it. Focus on the positive, stay calm and just breathe....at least for the next few days.