First, I am thankful that my work was absolutely crazy this week. I hardly had time to breathe but it was good because it kept my mind off the medications I was taking. I did not have time to really worry: "Am I doing giving the shots right?" "Did I take the pills at the right time?"Is it working?" My husband gave me 2 of the 3 shots and I will admit that he has the touch as they did not hurt at all. The one day I gave myself the shot, it stung. Finally, on Saturday morning we had our follow up ultra sound. It is amazing how many young women were at the RE office on a Saturday. I said a silent prayer for all of us this morning that this would be the last Saturday morning that we all spent in the RE office because we had good news.
Ultrasound showed 6 follicles 3 on the left and 3 on the right. As this is the first time I have done this process, I did not write down all the sizes but the nurse said there were about 3 mature follicles at 13 and most important she said it looked good to TTC this week!! I had to have a blood test and wait for the doctor to call at lunch after reviewing test numbers.
The bad nurse called with good news. Estrogen levels were where they are supposed to be and we are going to try and conceive this week. She gave us the TTC plan for September: Sunday is one more shot ( I am going have my husband do this one as he has the gentle touch). Then we give the Ovidrel shots on Monday night ( again my husbands task) which should trigger ovulation between 18-36 hrs after it is administered. On Wednesday September 22, 2010 we are scheduled for our first IUI. Then, for the first time in over 6 months we begin the Two week wait to see our results.
I promise not to drive myself crazy on the internet comparing follicle sizes and estrogen levels with other women who are using an RE. I have had such peace in this process the last week that I am living in the moment and trusting in God that this cycle is a success. I am positive, I am excited,I am hopeful...which is a huge step in the right direction.
Good news to seem to follow the women who have been my biggest supporters. They have been reinvigorated in faith, have found some answers/ made plans and we have been re-charged for the next week. I am praying for us all.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Saturday, September 11, 2010
A new 1 week wait!
Something happened on Friday that had never happened before. A positive ultrasound. After over a year filled with a series of negative transvaginal ultrasounds: no fetal development, no heartbeat, presence of fibroids, presence of cysts, it finally happened on Friday. The nurse said "everything looks good you're ready to begin treatment." I was floored and answered "hurry up and end the scan before you find something and you change your mind." We both laughed. Laughter at my RE office - a second first time occurrence. There is more to the dr visit to include the bad nurse messing up the drug order and the good nurse once again coming to my rescue late Friday but it all ended well.
So begins our next phase. It is a complex regimen of pills(Letrozode) for 5 days then shots (Follitism) Mon, Wed and Friday next week.Then, another dreaded Saturday ultrasound to see if my body is reacting well to the medicines and if we get a second greed light to try in September. So its a new 1 week wait but it is a positive one. As I am a Type A personality, it feels good to be "doing" something in this process where so much is out of my control. I have no answers as to why we lost 2 children, why I cannot carry babies past first trimester,but for the first time in this process I am hopeful. I know all the negatives that can happen, I know I may not make it this month to try but I am trying and I am looking forward to the best but expecting the worst( with my track record that may never go away).
Thank you to all of the prayers and sweet thoughts sent. They really meant a lot to me and I keep you all in my prayers daily. I could not have made it through yesterday without you and I hope your weekend is better than expected.
Slow me down Lord to remember that nothing is going to happen today that you and I cannot handle!
So begins our next phase. It is a complex regimen of pills(Letrozode) for 5 days then shots (Follitism) Mon, Wed and Friday next week.Then, another dreaded Saturday ultrasound to see if my body is reacting well to the medicines and if we get a second greed light to try in September. So its a new 1 week wait but it is a positive one. As I am a Type A personality, it feels good to be "doing" something in this process where so much is out of my control. I have no answers as to why we lost 2 children, why I cannot carry babies past first trimester,but for the first time in this process I am hopeful. I know all the negatives that can happen, I know I may not make it this month to try but I am trying and I am looking forward to the best but expecting the worst( with my track record that may never go away).
Thank you to all of the prayers and sweet thoughts sent. They really meant a lot to me and I keep you all in my prayers daily. I could not have made it through yesterday without you and I hope your weekend is better than expected.
Slow me down Lord to remember that nothing is going to happen today that you and I cannot handle!
Thursday, September 9, 2010
The Good, the Bad and The Ugly
The Good:
1. I have lost 15 lbs on diet and I am at the lowest weight in years.
2. My dog has completely recovered from his surgery and has a clean bill of health.
3. I love my husband more each day ( and its mutual).
4. Dr. appointment tomorrow for ovary check to see if we are ok to try in 12 days
The Bad:
1. Dr. appointment tomorrow for ovary check to see if we are ok to try in 12 days.
2. 1 YEAR from our first pregnancy and we have endured 2 losses and 4 surgeries.
The Ugly:
1. Jealousy to others who have achieved pregnancy and are raising their children
2. Unable to ease the pain of women who have provided me support in the past and are having bad days this week on our journey.
3. Next month would have been our due date on baby #2.
I am a big list person so I wrote this down today. A positive is the good out weigh the bad and the ugly, but the ugly is consuming my mind.
I have been so busy at work and trying to make it through this week, that I have not posted but really I have been in a bad mood. I found myself envious of women in church this week who were holding their babies during mass. I found myself unable to read friends blogs about their 3 months old daughters knowing our first baby was due in June 2010 and it should be the same posts for us. The top was a invitation to a christening of a co worker who had newborn twins . The beautiful invitation gave me no joy, I felt sadness and an emptiness that I immediately began to think of how we can get out of going to the event instead of sharing their joy.
More importantly, I have read the blogs of the women who have given me such inspiration and strength over the last few months and they are hurting this week. Maybe it is the time of the year!!! I want so much to give them comfort, to tell them they need to continue the fight. I want them to stop hurting. I want them to have all their dreams come true but I cannot find the words to accomplish all of the above. I want to tell them how much they mean to me and how I pray for them each night. I laugh at their blogs in happier times and I cry when I read their posts during the dark days that we all have. I could have written their words: I too have cried in the car outside dr office, I have envied healthy, non worrying bigbellied pregnant women, I have asked God why, I have wanted to give up.
I have told no one at work or in my town about our struggle. These women have been my lifeline and my strength through this and I want them to know without them, their experiences (good/bad) I would not be here. I want to help them as they have helped me. I want them to know that even though it is dark for them this week, to remain strong, remain hopeful, remain positive.
I have my own dr appointment tomorrow. A point I have been at 3 times in the last 5 months only to be told bad news. I am trying to think positively but I will admit I am scared. It takes so much energy and strength to put on a brave face and go there to hear if we are able to try this month or will it be another setback but tonight in my prayers it is about the good, the bad and the ugly. I will say some extras for the women who have been my support and I hope tomorrow is a better day for all of us.
Difficult things are put in our way not to stop us but to make us stronger!!!! The closing hymn in church was:
Be not afraid..I go before you always; Come follow me and I will give you rest.
(Which is what I will be thinking tonight and tomorrow for all of us)
1. I have lost 15 lbs on diet and I am at the lowest weight in years.
2. My dog has completely recovered from his surgery and has a clean bill of health.
3. I love my husband more each day ( and its mutual).
4. Dr. appointment tomorrow for ovary check to see if we are ok to try in 12 days
The Bad:
1. Dr. appointment tomorrow for ovary check to see if we are ok to try in 12 days.
2. 1 YEAR from our first pregnancy and we have endured 2 losses and 4 surgeries.
The Ugly:
1. Jealousy to others who have achieved pregnancy and are raising their children
2. Unable to ease the pain of women who have provided me support in the past and are having bad days this week on our journey.
3. Next month would have been our due date on baby #2.
I am a big list person so I wrote this down today. A positive is the good out weigh the bad and the ugly, but the ugly is consuming my mind.
I have been so busy at work and trying to make it through this week, that I have not posted but really I have been in a bad mood. I found myself envious of women in church this week who were holding their babies during mass. I found myself unable to read friends blogs about their 3 months old daughters knowing our first baby was due in June 2010 and it should be the same posts for us. The top was a invitation to a christening of a co worker who had newborn twins . The beautiful invitation gave me no joy, I felt sadness and an emptiness that I immediately began to think of how we can get out of going to the event instead of sharing their joy.
More importantly, I have read the blogs of the women who have given me such inspiration and strength over the last few months and they are hurting this week. Maybe it is the time of the year!!! I want so much to give them comfort, to tell them they need to continue the fight. I want them to stop hurting. I want them to have all their dreams come true but I cannot find the words to accomplish all of the above. I want to tell them how much they mean to me and how I pray for them each night. I laugh at their blogs in happier times and I cry when I read their posts during the dark days that we all have. I could have written their words: I too have cried in the car outside dr office, I have envied healthy, non worrying bigbellied pregnant women, I have asked God why, I have wanted to give up.
I have told no one at work or in my town about our struggle. These women have been my lifeline and my strength through this and I want them to know without them, their experiences (good/bad) I would not be here. I want to help them as they have helped me. I want them to know that even though it is dark for them this week, to remain strong, remain hopeful, remain positive.
I have my own dr appointment tomorrow. A point I have been at 3 times in the last 5 months only to be told bad news. I am trying to think positively but I will admit I am scared. It takes so much energy and strength to put on a brave face and go there to hear if we are able to try this month or will it be another setback but tonight in my prayers it is about the good, the bad and the ugly. I will say some extras for the women who have been my support and I hope tomorrow is a better day for all of us.
Difficult things are put in our way not to stop us but to make us stronger!!!! The closing hymn in church was:
Be not afraid..I go before you always; Come follow me and I will give you rest.
(Which is what I will be thinking tonight and tomorrow for all of us)
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Back on track....excited yet scared
Friday was my post op appointment and I was pleased when my RE, announced the surgery was a success and the cysts were benign. I was even happier when he said that I had been poked and proded from April 2010 and that he thought I was ready for an aggressive plan to get pregnant next month..Next month were words which I felt was an answer to our prayers. Since our last miscarriage in March 2010 I always thought we would be cleared to try sooner than now, then I tried to ignore that we could not try, and now that the dr says we can try I am in a mix of emotions from hope to fear.
As the bad nurse ( see previous posts) explained, it all begins with my next period day 1 (Septemeber 9) and then more ultrasounds, some expensive shots to stimulate the ovaries and then we are on our way. I still do not know if I can give myself the shots. I still do not know if I am going to let myself get my hopes up but it is hard not to be even a little hopeful.
Today,I opened the cabinet that had my prenatal vitamins in it. A place where I hid them after our last loss in March..it hurt to see the bottle on the counter. It hurt to see them these last 4 months as we went through all our tests and my surgeries . It is strange that a bottle of prenatal vitamins that is too bring us something good, caused so much hurt. Despite the past, I took them again this morning as part of our new diet (my husband has lost 25 and I have lost 13 pounds during our first month on the diet). I am getting my body ready for September and I am trying to be optimistic. I am trying to believe it will be ok this time and we can try and conceive. To believe it will work the first time is a dream I do not allow myself to have now. I admit that I allowed myself to think it would be a May 2011 baby if we conveived next month but I forced myself to stop.
For now the wait is for the next 12 days. I am taking those vitamins and I am trying not listen to the voices in my head which tell me all the bad things that can happen, how we are one year older, how we have been disappointed twice before, how the hurt is still there when I think we should be delivering our child in October. I put all those voices aside and I hope, I pray and I love.
My blessing is on its way...let's hope it will be here next month. Give me the strength, give me patience, give me hope.
As the bad nurse ( see previous posts) explained, it all begins with my next period day 1 (Septemeber 9) and then more ultrasounds, some expensive shots to stimulate the ovaries and then we are on our way. I still do not know if I can give myself the shots. I still do not know if I am going to let myself get my hopes up but it is hard not to be even a little hopeful.
Today,I opened the cabinet that had my prenatal vitamins in it. A place where I hid them after our last loss in March..it hurt to see the bottle on the counter. It hurt to see them these last 4 months as we went through all our tests and my surgeries . It is strange that a bottle of prenatal vitamins that is too bring us something good, caused so much hurt. Despite the past, I took them again this morning as part of our new diet (my husband has lost 25 and I have lost 13 pounds during our first month on the diet). I am getting my body ready for September and I am trying to be optimistic. I am trying to believe it will be ok this time and we can try and conceive. To believe it will work the first time is a dream I do not allow myself to have now. I admit that I allowed myself to think it would be a May 2011 baby if we conveived next month but I forced myself to stop.
For now the wait is for the next 12 days. I am taking those vitamins and I am trying not listen to the voices in my head which tell me all the bad things that can happen, how we are one year older, how we have been disappointed twice before, how the hurt is still there when I think we should be delivering our child in October. I put all those voices aside and I hope, I pray and I love.
My blessing is on its way...let's hope it will be here next month. Give me the strength, give me patience, give me hope.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
After surgery......
Yesterday was a long day. I had to stop eating and drinking after midnight and the surgery was not until 1:30pm...my head hurt so much from the lack of water that I was glad to have the surgery. Dr said he was pleased with the results...the cyst was larger and more involved with the ovary than the ultrasound showed. I will know more on Friday when I meet with him to remove my stitches as the above was from my husband. I was trying to shake off the anesthesia and swallow the pain meds in the recovery room.
So today, I am really sore and bruised in my lower half but I am resting and napping and reading. One trip was to have breakfast at a diner, where I am convinced every women was pregnant or with a newborn. My husband said we see what we desire most. I think this time he is right. For now I am healing and I am just trying to keep my mind off of what is the next step and happy to know the lord brought us through a 4th surgery. I have to believe all of this has been for some reason. I am ready for the next step, some happiness and some joy. I am ready...we are ready.
So today, I am really sore and bruised in my lower half but I am resting and napping and reading. One trip was to have breakfast at a diner, where I am convinced every women was pregnant or with a newborn. My husband said we see what we desire most. I think this time he is right. For now I am healing and I am just trying to keep my mind off of what is the next step and happy to know the lord brought us through a 4th surgery. I have to believe all of this has been for some reason. I am ready for the next step, some happiness and some joy. I am ready...we are ready.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Twas the night before surgery
Ok I am supposed to be getting good at surgery prep so the night before my surgery I am eating as much food as I can before my midnight fast begins. I met the doctor and he said time to take this persistent cyst out. It actually is larger than last month. He said it will be an easy surgery but as you know doctors they have to tell you the informed consent: well there is a 1% chance it is ovarian cancer. I know those are good odds it is not...but I was freaked out. On the positive side, he said this should be a quick recovery and we can get on track to trying to conceive in about 30 days.
Just in case, I said some extra prayers the last two nights. Luckily work was CRAZY and I went in at 7:30 am and left at 9:00pm. I got everything cleaned up so I can go to surgery and recovery this weekend with a peace of mind. It was a long day but it was worth it.
So I am off to give my husband a hug, and pet my dogs. Time To get some rest. I pray that god will see me through tomorrow. I was listening to my favorite gospel station today and I heard the verse: "God always lifts me high above, all the things that try to tear me down." He certainly did for my day at work. Therefore I put my heart, my soul and my body in his hands and I have faith tomorrow will be a good day for surgery. I pray it will be a successful surgery and I am one step closer to conceiving/carrying our child. Lift me up Lord over all the doubts and fears I have about tomorrow's surgery.
Just in case, I said some extra prayers the last two nights. Luckily work was CRAZY and I went in at 7:30 am and left at 9:00pm. I got everything cleaned up so I can go to surgery and recovery this weekend with a peace of mind. It was a long day but it was worth it.
So I am off to give my husband a hug, and pet my dogs. Time To get some rest. I pray that god will see me through tomorrow. I was listening to my favorite gospel station today and I heard the verse: "God always lifts me high above, all the things that try to tear me down." He certainly did for my day at work. Therefore I put my heart, my soul and my body in his hands and I have faith tomorrow will be a good day for surgery. I pray it will be a successful surgery and I am one step closer to conceiving/carrying our child. Lift me up Lord over all the doubts and fears I have about tomorrow's surgery.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Surgery for me and the dog!
Today I found out my older dog, Captain will have surgery on Thursday August 12, 2010 to remove a fatty solid from his shoulder( what the vet said). I am praying for his quick return home. I spoil my dogs as they give us the unconditional love we look for. They never care if I am home late, my hair is messy, my clothes are not designer. They love me for being their owner who rubs their belly, fills their bowls and throws the frisbee. My husband said Captain and I will recover from our surgeries together. I hope he is right. I pray to God Captain will be just fine.
My surgery was successfully moved up 10 days to August 20th. I can honestly say I am excited to be moving on this plan. I checked myself in the mirror today and I realized I smiled, I did not immediately see the failings. I felt good today and I think it is hope inside me. I am always amazed by the power of faith. I believe:
Although each day brings challenges and things that are unknown.
You needn't face them by yourself or deal with them alone.
For others care about you and will keep you close in prayer.
And above all, God will guide you- for his love is always there.
Guide me. I am ready. Keep me strong to make it through Captain and my surgeries. Keep me full of love for my husband and my family. Love me, lead me to our child. Keeping all in my thoughts and prayers.
My surgery was successfully moved up 10 days to August 20th. I can honestly say I am excited to be moving on this plan. I checked myself in the mirror today and I realized I smiled, I did not immediately see the failings. I felt good today and I think it is hope inside me. I am always amazed by the power of faith. I believe:
Although each day brings challenges and things that are unknown.
You needn't face them by yourself or deal with them alone.
For others care about you and will keep you close in prayer.
And above all, God will guide you- for his love is always there.
Guide me. I am ready. Keep me strong to make it through Captain and my surgeries. Keep me full of love for my husband and my family. Love me, lead me to our child. Keeping all in my thoughts and prayers.
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