The Good, the Bad and The Ugly

The Good:

1. I have lost 15 lbs on diet and I am at the lowest weight in years.
2. My dog has completely recovered from his surgery and has a clean bill of health.
3. I love my husband more each day ( and its mutual).
4. Dr. appointment tomorrow for ovary check to see if we are ok to try in 12 days

The Bad:

1. Dr. appointment tomorrow for ovary check to see if we are ok to try in 12 days.
2. 1 YEAR from our first pregnancy and we have endured 2 losses and 4 surgeries.

The Ugly:

1. Jealousy to others who have achieved pregnancy and are raising their children
2. Unable to ease the pain of women who have provided me support in the past and are having bad days this week on our journey.
3. Next month would have been our due date on baby #2.

I am a big list person so I wrote this down today. A positive is the good out weigh the bad and the ugly, but the ugly is consuming my mind.

I have been so busy at work and trying to make it through this week, that I have not posted but really I have been in a bad mood. I found myself envious of women in church this week who were holding their babies during mass. I found myself unable to read friends blogs about their 3 months old daughters knowing our first baby was due in June 2010 and it should be the same posts for us. The top was a invitation to a christening of a co worker who had newborn twins . The beautiful invitation gave me no joy, I felt sadness and an emptiness that I immediately began to think of how we can get out of going to the event instead of sharing their joy.

More importantly, I have read the blogs of the women who have given me such inspiration and strength over the last few months and they are hurting this week. Maybe it is the time of the year!!! I want so much to give them comfort, to tell them they need to continue the fight. I want them to stop hurting. I want them to have all their dreams come true but I cannot find the words to accomplish all of the above. I want to tell them how much they mean to me and how I pray for them each night. I laugh at their blogs in happier times and I cry when I read their posts during the dark days that we all have. I could have written their words: I too have cried in the car outside dr office, I have envied healthy, non worrying bigbellied pregnant women, I have asked God why, I have wanted to give up.

I have told no one at work or in my town about our struggle. These women have been my lifeline and my strength through this and I want them to know without them, their experiences (good/bad) I would not be here. I want to help them as they have helped me. I want them to know that even though it is dark for them this week, to remain strong, remain hopeful, remain positive.

I have my own dr appointment tomorrow. A point I have been at 3 times in the last 5 months only to be told bad news. I am trying to think positively but I will admit I am scared. It takes so much energy and strength to put on a brave face and go there to hear if we are able to try this month or will it be another setback but tonight in my prayers it is about the good, the bad and the ugly. I will say some extras for the women who have been my support and I hope tomorrow is a better day for all of us.

Difficult things are put in our way not to stop us but to make us stronger!!!! The closing hymn in church was:

Be not afraid..I go before you always; Come follow me and I will give you rest.

(Which is what I will be thinking tonight and tomorrow for all of us)