I am extremely moody these days and before you think it is a positive sign - I do not count it as a plus as I am in the two week wait.
Yesterday, I was housecleaning my area where I watch tv. It has all my favorite books I am currently reading, crossword puzzles, photo of my husband, and card from the dogs( really!). It is a great spot in the living room a place where I have curled up with many a good book and cried at many a movie. As I was putting things in order, I found my journal. I had not written in the journal for over 5 months...since my last checkup with my ob after my 2nd d&c. I started the journal after our first loss and before this blog, as a legacy to our children. I would write down how the day went, how I was feeling and so much how much we wanted them in our life with the hope that someday I will share the experience of their journey to be with us and let them know how much we wanted them, how much we went through to get them and how much we love them. I re read the pages from February 2010 when I was last in the two week wait. There was such hope, such joy and then I read the pages where I found out I was pregnant and I realized today I should have been 8 months pregnant ready to deliver our child in October.Then I read the last entries in the journal where I went from planning to tell the family, to scheduling my second d and c and then there was nothing. I never had the energy to pick it back up. It was like a book with a bad ending.
I feel like the wind is knocked out of me. My heart began to ache and nothing I did made it go away. Then my husband began talking about traveling to see his family for the holidays and I panicked...ran to my trusty calender trying to determine when we could go so I did not miss any of my important cycle days to try again in oct, nov, dec, jan....am I crazy? We went out on our errands and every women who had a child or was pregnant I kept saying why not me? what did she do differently then me? why am I broken? why can I not achieve the one thing we want so much now?
I am going to an evening mass tonight to find some peace. Sometimes just sitting there with my thoughts makes me feel so much better. It is also where I send up my best prayers to all of those who are struggling. Let's hope it helps..
HUGS <3
ReplyDeleteI hope that going to mass helps bring a little balm to your soul. I am sorry that you had that moment and that you had to see all the pg women out and about. I am praying that soon you will be one of them;o) I also wanted to stop by to tell you that you have an award waiting for you on my blog. I love you lots, think of you often and am always praying for you;o) ((HUGS))
ReplyDeleteoh how I relate to these words in this post and how my heart aches for you. Like you, my life revolved around "the calendar" and I too had those meltdowns when I would see others who were bearing a bump. My heart would just ache and often times I would find myself in a puddle of tears...over and over and over again.
ReplyDeleteThe triggers were awful and they still come, as moving forward is so hard.
If I can offer you anything, I want to offer you HOPE. The blessing of tomorrow being a new day and that peace fills your soul. I'm praying for your miracle :)
As you know, I too had an IUI and we are the same age. I have only positive thoughts for you.
Sending you love and continued prayers
xxx