Friday, August 28, 2020
Time Flies When You are having Fun
I found this blog by accident tonight. I re-read every post that I wrote 9 years ago. 9 years ago. So much has happened.
My little firecracker has come, grown and is currently 9 years old and in 4th grade. Just like the 2 angels I have in heaven, we have 2 rainbow babies. Firecracker's baby brother was born when she was 18 months old in January 2013. Like her brother this snowflake is currently 7 years old and starting 2nd grade.
It was scary after I had our son. It was 2 babies in 18 months and when my snowflake was just 10 days old, I had a major bleed. probably from the fibroid in my uterus wall they kept me from carrying those first two babies but I was rushed to the hospita, lost a lot of blood and ultimately to save my life Dr. T had to perform a partial hysterectomy at 41 years old. So this is the end of my pregnancy stories. No more shots, dr visits, ultrasounds, pregancy and delivery. Somehow lookign back at it I realize I was at peace with God's plan. We may have gone through ups and downs for 4 years but we will always have our 2 rainbow babies to go with out 2 angels in heaven.
When i read those posts, I felt those emotions like it was yesterday. I remember feeling out of control and helpless. I remember being alone, and not wanting to get up and start another day. I am so glad that I did. I am so glad that we pushed on and that we kept fighting. I also am so glad that I did this blog. I did not forget any of you or your stories. I keep them all with me in my heart and someday I will share them with our firecracker and snowflake when they are old enough to understand how much we did to bring them into this world. There are still nights of exhaustion. There are still days that I feel like a failure. Who knew that I would bring into this world 2 beautiful children and 9 years later have a terrible global pandemic change everything we had dreamed and planned for these kids.
For the last 6 months, we have washed our hands till they were raw, homeschooled for 3 months and tried to work from home and run my lawfirm while keeping these two children safe. What world are we saving our children for? Will this pandemic ever end? Can they have a normal life? They spend their days in masks, use hand sanitizer and social distance for 6 feet. These things are things that seem so foreign 9 years ago when I made the last entry. These are the daily lives of our fireecracker and snowflake. What they will remember when they look back at 2020. Will they remember the scary and the isolation from their friends and school. Or will they remember shopping for their first RV and camping trips in Stone Mountain and Myrtle BEach instead of summer camps. It was a different year, but I think it may have been a year we needed. We were rushing too fast, too far and we had been trying to keep it all together. For 6 months it has just been the 4 of us and the dogs and we got our family back on track. I dont know how the pandemic ends. I only know that like our infertility journey we take it one day at a time and hold our breath when we feel out of control. Hope for the best but expect the worst. We have been home 164 days until the kids had their first day of school. I didnt think we would have made that but we did. We are a family of fighters and we will continue. Stay strong my sisters, you are beautiful wonderful women and you will get your rainbow baby. I know it. The firecracker and the snowflake are proof dreams do come true. Believe in yourself and the power of faith and prayer. I know I do and in these times it is what keeps me asking what more I can do to save this world and make it a place firecracker and snowflake can grow and learn and mature. Praying for us all. Love to us all. Keep the dream alive.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Our Firecracker is here!!
Our daughter Mackenzie( better known as our firecracker) arrived on July 13, 2011 at 5:11pm via c-section at 8 lbs 10 oz and 20 inches. I also got my wish from the last post, she is the spitting image of her father in her personality, demeanor, way she sleeps, right down to her baby blues ( i know they will probably change ) but I love looking into her little face that there she is no doubt Daddy's little girl.
The c section went well for a major surgery. I had a great hospital with great staff and I enjoyed my 3 day stay more than I think since my home was over run with parents and in laws. The calming of the room, having baby Mackenzie sleep next to me all during the stay made for some great mommy/daughter bonding in the early days of her life. It also allowed me to recover. The c section only hard thing to recover is the incision..the staples have been leaking,an early return to my doctor but otherwise I feel really well.
We came home on Saturday to pink balloons and a story in the yard announcing our arrival and a wonderful home cooked meal with family. It was nice to see all those who have loved and supported us through this journey be able to hold and hug our baby. At the same time it has been quite overwhelming. All I wanted is a little piece of quiet and a place to heal and try and breastfeed our daughter. There has been very little of the above and I have taken to counting down to when everyone goes home ( 3 days left) but I have enjoyed the help with the food and laundry.
When you breastfeed, you and baby are inseperable which has not given me a lot of time to get anything else done or to heal. With the draining incision, I have had to lay more than I would like but it is improving each day. I am trying to catch up on my library books, and reading newspaper but I also catnap when Mackenzie naps.
Mackenzie does not like a sponge bath, or her little hand mittens for her nails. She does like her dog siblings,breastfeeding ( thank god),her swing, and her bobby pillow. It is amazing as she is 10 days old today and I do not know what our home was like without her.
I thank god for her, I thank my friends and family for their prayers and their support. I am grateful that she is here and thriving. I am praying for all those who share my journey. ( a great article in today's Wall Street Journal called "My Fertility Crisis" made me cry)...I pray for my 2 angels who are watching down over their sister who they helped guide to this end. Thank you my darlings, Mommy loves all her children and today that is just enough.
The c section went well for a major surgery. I had a great hospital with great staff and I enjoyed my 3 day stay more than I think since my home was over run with parents and in laws. The calming of the room, having baby Mackenzie sleep next to me all during the stay made for some great mommy/daughter bonding in the early days of her life. It also allowed me to recover. The c section only hard thing to recover is the incision..the staples have been leaking,an early return to my doctor but otherwise I feel really well.
We came home on Saturday to pink balloons and a story in the yard announcing our arrival and a wonderful home cooked meal with family. It was nice to see all those who have loved and supported us through this journey be able to hold and hug our baby. At the same time it has been quite overwhelming. All I wanted is a little piece of quiet and a place to heal and try and breastfeed our daughter. There has been very little of the above and I have taken to counting down to when everyone goes home ( 3 days left) but I have enjoyed the help with the food and laundry.
When you breastfeed, you and baby are inseperable which has not given me a lot of time to get anything else done or to heal. With the draining incision, I have had to lay more than I would like but it is improving each day. I am trying to catch up on my library books, and reading newspaper but I also catnap when Mackenzie naps.
Mackenzie does not like a sponge bath, or her little hand mittens for her nails. She does like her dog siblings,breastfeeding ( thank god),her swing, and her bobby pillow. It is amazing as she is 10 days old today and I do not know what our home was like without her.
I thank god for her, I thank my friends and family for their prayers and their support. I am grateful that she is here and thriving. I am praying for all those who share my journey. ( a great article in today's Wall Street Journal called "My Fertility Crisis" made me cry)...I pray for my 2 angels who are watching down over their sister who they helped guide to this end. Thank you my darlings, Mommy loves all her children and today that is just enough.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Today is the day
I love shipwrecks and there is a great story about the Atocha ship off Florida Keys. It was sunk in the 1600s filled with Spanish gold and silver. Mel Fisher serachedf or over 10 years to find this vessel and every morning he would not get discouraged with his failures, his losses, he would simply say "Today's the Day" and one day it was and he found the vessel and has and continues to recover billion of dollars.
So Today's the Day! We are off to the hospital for a c section today at 1:30. Baby girl has never dropped, never engaged and no movement in dillation or cervix. Last ultrasound last week had the estimate at 9lbs and the dr believes the reason at 40 weeks we have no movement is that the little firecracker has nowhere to go. So off to hospital we go.
I am fine with the c section. This child was created with the help of science, 4 surgeries and I am fine with her delivery being with the help of science and a surgery.
I went yesterday for the pre registration at the hospital and they were very busy and disorganzied. I did not like that feeling as it did not reassure me that everything would be smooth but eventually they were able to get the doctor's paperwork and go through the checklist.
So now, I have the bad packed, and my family are all eating breakfast in the other room as I cannot eat or drink anything until surgery. I still have heartburn and I took the last one I said good bye to Tums and hope that I get some relief from the heartburn.
I will update later but it is near the end of a long journey...22 months, 2 miscarriages, 4 surgeries and many tears, shots, prayers. It is near the end to see our firecracker. Thank you for the prayers, thanks for the good thoughts. Let's hope firecracker is calm and cool like her father this morning as he is my rock and we would not be here without him.
So Today's the Day! We are off to the hospital for a c section today at 1:30. Baby girl has never dropped, never engaged and no movement in dillation or cervix. Last ultrasound last week had the estimate at 9lbs and the dr believes the reason at 40 weeks we have no movement is that the little firecracker has nowhere to go. So off to hospital we go.
I am fine with the c section. This child was created with the help of science, 4 surgeries and I am fine with her delivery being with the help of science and a surgery.
I went yesterday for the pre registration at the hospital and they were very busy and disorganzied. I did not like that feeling as it did not reassure me that everything would be smooth but eventually they were able to get the doctor's paperwork and go through the checklist.
So now, I have the bad packed, and my family are all eating breakfast in the other room as I cannot eat or drink anything until surgery. I still have heartburn and I took the last one I said good bye to Tums and hope that I get some relief from the heartburn.
I will update later but it is near the end of a long journey...22 months, 2 miscarriages, 4 surgeries and many tears, shots, prayers. It is near the end to see our firecracker. Thank you for the prayers, thanks for the good thoughts. Let's hope firecracker is calm and cool like her father this morning as he is my rock and we would not be here without him.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Last Weekend Alone.
This is hubby and I's last weekend alone of just us and the dogs. I am going to cherish it. 4th of July has always been my favorite holiday and I love being home for it. Normally we go to Pennsylvania to visit my parents which is also nice since it is so much cooler there than here and I can really say I will miss it this year.
Instead it will be just us for the long weekend waiting for our little firecracker's arrival. I went to the dr today and he said strong heartbeat, baby in right position but not dropped or engaged and we have a big zero on cervix. So we wait as it is in God's hands. We have ultrasound on Tuesday and then Dr appointment on Wednesday so by then we will have more answers. If baby girl is smaller, plan is to wait for her arrival. If baby girl is big we can talk inducement, and if she is really big we are talking c-section. None of this can we control and we will just wait until next week to see what God has in store for us. I am big bumped at 37 lbs but I feel great just really round right now...which is good.
Why is this our last weekend alone? Because on Tuesday my inlaws come for 3 weeks and then on Thursday my parents come for the month. Everyone wants to be here for the arrival of their first grandchild. I have always said I want her to come in June but I think this child knows I am still working (mom has a few more things to do) and how much she means to everyone that she is waiting for their arrival before she makes her debut. It is just very stressful with both our families staying under our roof together. We have to worry about their rooms, towels, food and meals. We have had to make a list of instructions of how to...how to turn on tv, how to use stove, how to lock up house, how to feed the dogs. It has been a crazy last two weeks but I think by July 5 we will be ready.
So here is to our last long weekend of just us...just love, just time, no schedules, no deadlines...
Instead it will be just us for the long weekend waiting for our little firecracker's arrival. I went to the dr today and he said strong heartbeat, baby in right position but not dropped or engaged and we have a big zero on cervix. So we wait as it is in God's hands. We have ultrasound on Tuesday and then Dr appointment on Wednesday so by then we will have more answers. If baby girl is smaller, plan is to wait for her arrival. If baby girl is big we can talk inducement, and if she is really big we are talking c-section. None of this can we control and we will just wait until next week to see what God has in store for us. I am big bumped at 37 lbs but I feel great just really round right now...which is good.
Why is this our last weekend alone? Because on Tuesday my inlaws come for 3 weeks and then on Thursday my parents come for the month. Everyone wants to be here for the arrival of their first grandchild. I have always said I want her to come in June but I think this child knows I am still working (mom has a few more things to do) and how much she means to everyone that she is waiting for their arrival before she makes her debut. It is just very stressful with both our families staying under our roof together. We have to worry about their rooms, towels, food and meals. We have had to make a list of instructions of how to...how to turn on tv, how to use stove, how to lock up house, how to feed the dogs. It has been a crazy last two weeks but I think by July 5 we will be ready.
So here is to our last long weekend of just us...just love, just time, no schedules, no deadlines...
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Father's Day and 36 weeks 4 days.
I want to say Happy Father's Day to my husband. Today I let him sleep in and I took the two dogs out for their morning walk. This is a lot to do for me since we live in Florida where the temperatures are now in the 100s. I hide from the sun my enemy at all times. No man could have done more for me these past 2 years from the tears, the fears the money worries and these last 9 months of hormones he has stood by me and loved me and reassured me that no matter what it is gonna be alright. I love you dear and having you with me has made this process so much more enjoyable.
I am officially 36 weeks and 4 days. I am dying in the heat here in Florida. I am still working so I get up each morning and put on the lightest layers of clothes i can find since I am pretty sure I cannot go to work naked although it would be very helpful to me and baby girl. I come home and take naps. I am having a hard time now getting settled into bed but once I do I am out like a light. My hubby says there is no way I can add any more pillows to the bed but I think that is more than possible. Especially to help prevent the dreaded charlie horses which seem to be coming more and more often now.
Dr t said baby firecracker is in position but has not engaged yet. He also said she will not be a premie and he is concered she maybe too large come her due date so we have a ultrasound on July 5 to check for size. I am not upset about this and this child was created by the help of science she can be delivered with the help of science. If it is a scheduled c section then it is in god's hands. I have gained 33 lbs in this process and I feel like a reverse turtle..everything up front. We will see what Dr T. says on Thursday's appointment. My hubby's family arrives July 5, mine arrives July 7 so in away it all may be headed to an inevitable delivery.
Baby is still high to me but she has definately moved down off my stomach because the indigestion is less and the bathroom breaks are more frequent. I know she is getting crowded because her kicks are stronger and less movement. I started writting things down that I want to be sure to tell her:
1) how I cried before and after every dr appointment;
2) how I held my breath at every ultrasound and did not immediately look at the screen;
3) how I talked to her even when I knew she could not hear me;
4) how I prayed every day for her;
5) how we want her so very much and cannot wait to meet her.
I know there is more but it was a start. I am still uncovering all the shower gifts, cards and trying to get the nursery ready in case she arrives early. It is hard to hide all the pink things when our families do not know our little firecracker is a girl!!!
Love and prayers to all...the journey is never over and I am here in teh next phase...but I am always with you.
I am officially 36 weeks and 4 days. I am dying in the heat here in Florida. I am still working so I get up each morning and put on the lightest layers of clothes i can find since I am pretty sure I cannot go to work naked although it would be very helpful to me and baby girl. I come home and take naps. I am having a hard time now getting settled into bed but once I do I am out like a light. My hubby says there is no way I can add any more pillows to the bed but I think that is more than possible. Especially to help prevent the dreaded charlie horses which seem to be coming more and more often now.
Dr t said baby firecracker is in position but has not engaged yet. He also said she will not be a premie and he is concered she maybe too large come her due date so we have a ultrasound on July 5 to check for size. I am not upset about this and this child was created by the help of science she can be delivered with the help of science. If it is a scheduled c section then it is in god's hands. I have gained 33 lbs in this process and I feel like a reverse turtle..everything up front. We will see what Dr T. says on Thursday's appointment. My hubby's family arrives July 5, mine arrives July 7 so in away it all may be headed to an inevitable delivery.
Baby is still high to me but she has definately moved down off my stomach because the indigestion is less and the bathroom breaks are more frequent. I know she is getting crowded because her kicks are stronger and less movement. I started writting things down that I want to be sure to tell her:
1) how I cried before and after every dr appointment;
2) how I held my breath at every ultrasound and did not immediately look at the screen;
3) how I talked to her even when I knew she could not hear me;
4) how I prayed every day for her;
5) how we want her so very much and cannot wait to meet her.
I know there is more but it was a start. I am still uncovering all the shower gifts, cards and trying to get the nursery ready in case she arrives early. It is hard to hide all the pink things when our families do not know our little firecracker is a girl!!!
Love and prayers to all...the journey is never over and I am here in teh next phase...but I am always with you.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Happy Graduation!!!
Last night , my husband and I graduated. Not from college, but from our Lamaze course. For the last 4 weeks for 3 hrs a night, we spent time with 6 other couples and our instructor to learn all about breathing, relaxation, and labor. I really think my husband enjoyed being part of it. It is hard I think for him to feel as connected as I am since I am the one with all the physical symptoms. He is ready to go on breathing and is already excited about packing the hospital bag.
I did do one thing that I am proud of in that class. On the first night, everyone went around the room and the teacher asked some icebreaker questions and one was "what is the worst part of pregnancy?" When it came to me I said "nothing" and with tears in my eyes I explained briefly how much we went through to get here and our two losses and how every day is wonderful. One of the girls in the room caught her breath when I said 2 losses..as I heard her gasp. I am proud I said it. I am not boasting but I wanted to remember the past, remember the struggle and remind others that this is not always an easy road as it seems in movies and books. Everyday I cherish this point in the journey, I thank God for getting me through to this point and I continue to ask him to stay with us on this journey to the end of the rainbow.
We have our 32nd week appointment tomorrow. We ordered a crib but otherwise still working on get settled for our little July firecracker to arrive. I have been talking to her for a while and I want her to come end of June so we are in negotiations. If she is anything like me, she has a mind of her own and will come when she is ready and not a minute before. I feel very good...I have gained weight. I sleep hard and still have to remind myself to eat on busy days but this is a good month of together time just me and my husband.
Our dogs know something is coming, they do not know what but they are ready to enlarge "our pack" and for the first time so am I.
Love and support always to everyone and thanks for holding my hand (through a computer) on my journey. I never would be here without you strong, brave women who have shared, supported and cared for me...a woman you have never seen, do not really know, but embraced my dreams and fears just the same.
I did do one thing that I am proud of in that class. On the first night, everyone went around the room and the teacher asked some icebreaker questions and one was "what is the worst part of pregnancy?" When it came to me I said "nothing" and with tears in my eyes I explained briefly how much we went through to get here and our two losses and how every day is wonderful. One of the girls in the room caught her breath when I said 2 losses..as I heard her gasp. I am proud I said it. I am not boasting but I wanted to remember the past, remember the struggle and remind others that this is not always an easy road as it seems in movies and books. Everyday I cherish this point in the journey, I thank God for getting me through to this point and I continue to ask him to stay with us on this journey to the end of the rainbow.
We have our 32nd week appointment tomorrow. We ordered a crib but otherwise still working on get settled for our little July firecracker to arrive. I have been talking to her for a while and I want her to come end of June so we are in negotiations. If she is anything like me, she has a mind of her own and will come when she is ready and not a minute before. I feel very good...I have gained weight. I sleep hard and still have to remind myself to eat on busy days but this is a good month of together time just me and my husband.
Our dogs know something is coming, they do not know what but they are ready to enlarge "our pack" and for the first time so am I.
Love and support always to everyone and thanks for holding my hand (through a computer) on my journey. I never would be here without you strong, brave women who have shared, supported and cared for me...a woman you have never seen, do not really know, but embraced my dreams and fears just the same.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Easter on the way!!!!
Yes it has been one more month since my last post. Work and family visits have been the culprit. I need to get work under control. I have no idea as to how much time I will take off and or who will cover my cases while I am gone and it serves to be a source of panic. I know I still have time but not much. I am going to consult my other friends and see what they did when the babies were born and when they returned to work for ideas but I need to plan...since I am such a planner.
Baby girl is doing well. She is kicking like crazy and especially at night when I want to sleep. Last doctor appointment we were right on track for 26 weeks and I have gained 18lbs. I don't eat so much at meal times but I need to eat to keep my energy up. I also have low iron (common) so I am on supplements now. Trying to fight the dreaded constipation. Then I had a semi high sugar test so I had to have the 4 hour glucose fast test. If you have ever had it done it is just sugar and no food...I think that baby girl did sugar cartwheels for the rest of the day after the test. We get the results next week and I really hope we do not have gestational diabetes. We have no family history but I am over 35 and Dr. T said we will cross that bridge when we get the test results back. I love him that he keeps me calm when I think I am going to go crazy.
Hubby and I have finished the babies room ( painting) but we have no furniture and I am completely overwhelmed about what to buy,what to register, how much do I need? I think the office and our friends are planning a shower which seems fine considering we have nothing for baby girl but a nice clean room....and we did pick her name which shall be revealed on her birthday. I guess we are ready?
I think I am overwhelemed with what to buy, how to feed the baby, all the family that will be here when she is born, the fear of failure, what to do at work that I just avoid starting the list of things to buy or do. Today I will try and sign us up for our birthing classes which is another step in the right direction but I am afraid I am procrastinating. I need to just trudge on...so wish me luck.
My parents had so much fun when they were here last month that they are returning this week to spend Easter with us. Tomorrow is Palm sunday and let's go church and hope we can cherish the holiday with family and friends. Let's hope I too can find some answers of what needs to be done and get ready for our baby girl's arrival.
You are all in my thoughts and prayers always. I am grateful for this page and for the few who read it and send comments. It has been a support and I have met some wonderful brave and strong women who I am continually amazed by each day.
Baby girl is doing well. She is kicking like crazy and especially at night when I want to sleep. Last doctor appointment we were right on track for 26 weeks and I have gained 18lbs. I don't eat so much at meal times but I need to eat to keep my energy up. I also have low iron (common) so I am on supplements now. Trying to fight the dreaded constipation. Then I had a semi high sugar test so I had to have the 4 hour glucose fast test. If you have ever had it done it is just sugar and no food...I think that baby girl did sugar cartwheels for the rest of the day after the test. We get the results next week and I really hope we do not have gestational diabetes. We have no family history but I am over 35 and Dr. T said we will cross that bridge when we get the test results back. I love him that he keeps me calm when I think I am going to go crazy.
Hubby and I have finished the babies room ( painting) but we have no furniture and I am completely overwhelmed about what to buy,what to register, how much do I need? I think the office and our friends are planning a shower which seems fine considering we have nothing for baby girl but a nice clean room....and we did pick her name which shall be revealed on her birthday. I guess we are ready?
I think I am overwhelemed with what to buy, how to feed the baby, all the family that will be here when she is born, the fear of failure, what to do at work that I just avoid starting the list of things to buy or do. Today I will try and sign us up for our birthing classes which is another step in the right direction but I am afraid I am procrastinating. I need to just trudge on...so wish me luck.
My parents had so much fun when they were here last month that they are returning this week to spend Easter with us. Tomorrow is Palm sunday and let's go church and hope we can cherish the holiday with family and friends. Let's hope I too can find some answers of what needs to be done and get ready for our baby girl's arrival.
You are all in my thoughts and prayers always. I am grateful for this page and for the few who read it and send comments. It has been a support and I have met some wonderful brave and strong women who I am continually amazed by each day.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
March Maddness
Ok I know in my last post I promised to write more but here it is over a month from my last post. Work has been crazy (unlike my February post where it was social activities) keeping us busy.
I had a good 22 week check up with dr on Thursday. It is so funny everyone seems to tell me I am to small to be pregnant, I should be bigger, I should eat this, I should not do that... I never realized how many people have opinions until now? Dr said I am right where I am supposed to be and gaining 12 lbs in first 22 weeks puts me square in the middle of NORMAL. His opinion is all that really matters. I find that I have a lot of energy but the heartburn is still there. I love to swim...the pool is one place nothing hurts and I feel great. In the last 2 weeks I have started to feel baby girl moving... I cannot wait until my husband can feel it. He is so excited to being having a girl.
My parents come for a 4 day visit this weekend and they too are excited to see us. The last time they saw me, I was 10 weeks pregnant so alot has changed in the last few months. We will see if they can keep true to their word that they do not want to know what the baby is before it is born. Keep posted to see if they hold out past this visit.
We have no idea on names for baby girl and have nothing to put in the now painted nursery but I am happy and healthy and for now that is what I need. I continue to pray for all of our BLM in my prayers for me and baby girl. I believe he is truly listening and good will come to all of us soon.
I had a good 22 week check up with dr on Thursday. It is so funny everyone seems to tell me I am to small to be pregnant, I should be bigger, I should eat this, I should not do that... I never realized how many people have opinions until now? Dr said I am right where I am supposed to be and gaining 12 lbs in first 22 weeks puts me square in the middle of NORMAL. His opinion is all that really matters. I find that I have a lot of energy but the heartburn is still there. I love to swim...the pool is one place nothing hurts and I feel great. In the last 2 weeks I have started to feel baby girl moving... I cannot wait until my husband can feel it. He is so excited to being having a girl.
My parents come for a 4 day visit this weekend and they too are excited to see us. The last time they saw me, I was 10 weeks pregnant so alot has changed in the last few months. We will see if they can keep true to their word that they do not want to know what the baby is before it is born. Keep posted to see if they hold out past this visit.
We have no idea on names for baby girl and have nothing to put in the now painted nursery but I am happy and healthy and for now that is what I need. I continue to pray for all of our BLM in my prayers for me and baby girl. I believe he is truly listening and good will come to all of us soon.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Happy Valentine's Day!!!!!
I know it has been almost a month since my last post. So much has happened....all good for a change. My husband is a Shriner...if you know about Shriners Children's Hospitals they are a non profit organization who treat children for free for many injuries to include burns and various orthopedic needs. Well sometimes his duties require a lot of fundraising and January was the busiest month. It has finally slowed down and I can catch my breath but between work and Shriner Activites we did not have a weekend free since 2011 began!!!!
So this week we had our 19 week appt with OB and we heard the heartbeat again (fast and furious)and found the results of the NTS scan. Our doctor had done the integrated blood screening as well and that was the last piece. He said that we had a 1-4,000 chance of a downs or spina bifida defect which was good since for my age group the odds are in the general population 1-98. I was very relieved and the doctor said if Monday's genetic ultrasound came out without any abnormalities we would not need any further testing. Needless to say that I held my breath and prayed all weekend.
Therefore, this Valentine's Day morning we made it to the hospital for our 8:15 appointment only to be delayed until 9:15. My nerves were shot and my poor husband did not know how to comfort me. The technician was a wonderful woman who had been doing ultrasounds for over 25 years...I felt better as she started the exam but I was still worried. If you have never had one done they take TONS of photos of all parts of the baby. They measure the skull, the brain, the eyes, the chambers off the heart, the size of the kidneys, the rhythmn of the heart, the length of the arms, legs, and make sure there are two hands and feet. Although it was exciting to see the baby since we had not seen it in over 2 months, it was also nerve racking because the technician says nothing about the results as she is doing the scan. My husband tried to ask her but she said "I am just the investigator the doctor will come in after and give you the results." I cannot tell you how nervous I was. At one point I stopped looking at the screen because I just knew something was wrong. I was silently saying my prayers and my husband nudged me and told me to open my eyes and watch the process.
After all the preliminary photos, the tech said ok let me make sure I have all of the information and then she looked at her screen and the photos and charts. I kept saying that if she says we are ok then I can relax. Instead she said, "ok I need some more measurements of the spine" and my heart sank. I had not eaten anything all morning and I felt like throwing up. She took some more photos, and then announced we were done and the doctor would review the scans and come talk to us in a few minutes. I could not wait to get up off the table. My husband kindly wiped up all the gel and helped me get dressed and just smiled and said it's ok just breathe.
I think I always waited for this day. Knowing that is this scan was good, I would take one more positive step towards July. He finally realizes when he is with me at the doctor's office how much stress these appointments cause me. He feels the pain and fear and is at a loss sometimes how to comfort me.
In the end, the doctor and the tech came in and he introduced himself and I officially held my breath and my husband's hand. He said I reviewed all the scans and I wanted you both to know I see no abnormalities and all looks normal to date. I started to cry...I laughed, I smiled and I cried and shook the doctor and the tech's hand so hard I think I broke something.
I almost forgot the best part, prior to the appointment, my husband had given me a Valentine's Day card and I looked at him and said "you know I did not get you a card this year" ( the first time in our 10 yr dating history)...and he said in a way only he could say "well you have been busy, giving me our daughter!!" Yes it is official we are having a little girl!!!!
I know this is not the end of the road. I know there is a long way to go and I am still scared but I am happy today and thankful to God and all my friends, family and my husband who have prayed for us. Today is a a celebration of love, and this year it is the love of our new little girl which we celebrate. I left to go to work and my husband has been painting in the future nursery all day. To say he is excited is a small thing. We have been through so much saddness and disappointment, but if only for today, we smile and we believe that if you trust in God's Divine Providence...you get day's like today, which for this Valentine's Day 2011 is good enough for me. I am praying for us all and I believe in us all to have the strength and faith to make this journey with our spouses and with each other to the end.
Happy Valentine's Day 2011!!!
So this week we had our 19 week appt with OB and we heard the heartbeat again (fast and furious)and found the results of the NTS scan. Our doctor had done the integrated blood screening as well and that was the last piece. He said that we had a 1-4,000 chance of a downs or spina bifida defect which was good since for my age group the odds are in the general population 1-98. I was very relieved and the doctor said if Monday's genetic ultrasound came out without any abnormalities we would not need any further testing. Needless to say that I held my breath and prayed all weekend.
Therefore, this Valentine's Day morning we made it to the hospital for our 8:15 appointment only to be delayed until 9:15. My nerves were shot and my poor husband did not know how to comfort me. The technician was a wonderful woman who had been doing ultrasounds for over 25 years...I felt better as she started the exam but I was still worried. If you have never had one done they take TONS of photos of all parts of the baby. They measure the skull, the brain, the eyes, the chambers off the heart, the size of the kidneys, the rhythmn of the heart, the length of the arms, legs, and make sure there are two hands and feet. Although it was exciting to see the baby since we had not seen it in over 2 months, it was also nerve racking because the technician says nothing about the results as she is doing the scan. My husband tried to ask her but she said "I am just the investigator the doctor will come in after and give you the results." I cannot tell you how nervous I was. At one point I stopped looking at the screen because I just knew something was wrong. I was silently saying my prayers and my husband nudged me and told me to open my eyes and watch the process.
After all the preliminary photos, the tech said ok let me make sure I have all of the information and then she looked at her screen and the photos and charts. I kept saying that if she says we are ok then I can relax. Instead she said, "ok I need some more measurements of the spine" and my heart sank. I had not eaten anything all morning and I felt like throwing up. She took some more photos, and then announced we were done and the doctor would review the scans and come talk to us in a few minutes. I could not wait to get up off the table. My husband kindly wiped up all the gel and helped me get dressed and just smiled and said it's ok just breathe.
I think I always waited for this day. Knowing that is this scan was good, I would take one more positive step towards July. He finally realizes when he is with me at the doctor's office how much stress these appointments cause me. He feels the pain and fear and is at a loss sometimes how to comfort me.
In the end, the doctor and the tech came in and he introduced himself and I officially held my breath and my husband's hand. He said I reviewed all the scans and I wanted you both to know I see no abnormalities and all looks normal to date. I started to cry...I laughed, I smiled and I cried and shook the doctor and the tech's hand so hard I think I broke something.
I almost forgot the best part, prior to the appointment, my husband had given me a Valentine's Day card and I looked at him and said "you know I did not get you a card this year" ( the first time in our 10 yr dating history)...and he said in a way only he could say "well you have been busy, giving me our daughter!!" Yes it is official we are having a little girl!!!!
I know this is not the end of the road. I know there is a long way to go and I am still scared but I am happy today and thankful to God and all my friends, family and my husband who have prayed for us. Today is a a celebration of love, and this year it is the love of our new little girl which we celebrate. I left to go to work and my husband has been painting in the future nursery all day. To say he is excited is a small thing. We have been through so much saddness and disappointment, but if only for today, we smile and we believe that if you trust in God's Divine Providence...you get day's like today, which for this Valentine's Day 2011 is good enough for me. I am praying for us all and I believe in us all to have the strength and faith to make this journey with our spouses and with each other to the end.
Happy Valentine's Day 2011!!!
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Its January!!!!!
I cannot believe it is January!!! I looked up at my desk calender and realized that it has been over 2 weeks since my last post. I will confess, I came down with a terrible cold the first 2 weeks of January. Without medicine to shake it, I drank enough hot decaf tea to change my nationality to British and I have eaten enough oranges to save the Florida Citrus industry. Finally, this week I started to feel better. The downside is that it really affected my food intake. I have only gained 4 lbs and I need to eat more and eat healthier. This is my new task for January 2011. As promised after 12 weeks I definitely have my food cravings come back and i am able to eat more food. Amazing how a body works.
I did have the NTS scan done on January 3rd but my doctor has also done the blood screening so I will not get the official results until February. At my 14 week check up, Dr. T said all the measurements of the ultra sound were normal and the NTS scan looked good but the blood work would be the final answer. For the first time, Dr. T heard the heartbeat of our little firecracker. He used a fetal monitor and for a few LONG second which felt like hours he could not find the sound I enjoy hearing. Then I said a silent prayer closed my eyes and within a few seconds Dr. T found baby firecracker and the heartbeat sounded heavenly.
I still do not enjoy dr visits. I do not go back until 16 weeks for a genetic abnormality 3d ultrasound. Just a super ultrasound to check all 4 chambers of heart developed and limbs are developing. Then back to Dr. T at 18 weeks for another scan and final results of NTS. I hope this will be the end of testing and I will finally breathe freely.
It is nice to be able to eat again, it is nice to have told our co workers and our friends. I even bought my first set of maternity pants as having a waistband and buttons at my waist are not the most comfortable for work. I liked them but they are a bit large...I guess I have room to grow.
When we told our friends, everyone said they had no idea the process we had been going through. Although it was hard, we shared our stories, our tears, our surgeries, and our hopes. I can only hope that by talking about the struggle we have been through we will have some to help others. I always enjoyed speakers who had been through the struggles they were speaking about. It was almost as if I could say there words. I feel that way now about infertility. We are by no means through our journey and we continue each day to hold on to our faith and to believe our little firecracker will be here safely before we know it. At the same time, we embrace our past struggles and we continue to pray for all of us. My fortune cookie the other day said "You are only a quitter when you stop trying" I could totally identify with those words. Here's to all of us on this journey and a promise we will all have a successful end. We never give up even when the pathis closed and difficult, we believe there must be a way!!!!
I did have the NTS scan done on January 3rd but my doctor has also done the blood screening so I will not get the official results until February. At my 14 week check up, Dr. T said all the measurements of the ultra sound were normal and the NTS scan looked good but the blood work would be the final answer. For the first time, Dr. T heard the heartbeat of our little firecracker. He used a fetal monitor and for a few LONG second which felt like hours he could not find the sound I enjoy hearing. Then I said a silent prayer closed my eyes and within a few seconds Dr. T found baby firecracker and the heartbeat sounded heavenly.
I still do not enjoy dr visits. I do not go back until 16 weeks for a genetic abnormality 3d ultrasound. Just a super ultrasound to check all 4 chambers of heart developed and limbs are developing. Then back to Dr. T at 18 weeks for another scan and final results of NTS. I hope this will be the end of testing and I will finally breathe freely.
It is nice to be able to eat again, it is nice to have told our co workers and our friends. I even bought my first set of maternity pants as having a waistband and buttons at my waist are not the most comfortable for work. I liked them but they are a bit large...I guess I have room to grow.
When we told our friends, everyone said they had no idea the process we had been going through. Although it was hard, we shared our stories, our tears, our surgeries, and our hopes. I can only hope that by talking about the struggle we have been through we will have some to help others. I always enjoyed speakers who had been through the struggles they were speaking about. It was almost as if I could say there words. I feel that way now about infertility. We are by no means through our journey and we continue each day to hold on to our faith and to believe our little firecracker will be here safely before we know it. At the same time, we embrace our past struggles and we continue to pray for all of us. My fortune cookie the other day said "You are only a quitter when you stop trying" I could totally identify with those words. Here's to all of us on this journey and a promise we will all have a successful end. We never give up even when the pathis closed and difficult, we believe there must be a way!!!!
Friday, December 31, 2010
Happy New Year 2011!!!!
Where did Christmas go? The last 14 days seem like a blurr. We did leave for my parents house for xmas. When we arrived we had to tell my parents about our little firecracker. My father wanted to have a drink to toast our safe arrival and we needed a reason why I did not want a drink. My husband had made a gift with a photo of our 10 week ultrasound. On the outside it said "what are you doing July 2011?" We got some great photos as my mom and dad opened the package and suddenly realized its meaning. They were thrilled. On Christmas Day, my husband's sister and brother inlaw also got some great photos of my inlaws opening the same gift. The entire family was thrilled. I cannot tell you how many people my parents have told in the 2 weeks we were there. It truly made me realize how many people were silently praying for us and were estatic with our news. Who knew the base of untapped support we had and how blessed I feel that they are all praying for us now. What an experience it was telling our families. I will always remember it. I also took advantage of it and got some well needed rest. Smells and certain holiday foods made eating difficult but my mother was a life savior and made sure I had enough to eat and rest the entire trip. I love you mom. As I am in my 12th week, the nausousness has lessened but I still have the burping and NO DESIRE to eat certain foods. I have gained only 2 lbs but I am sure that will change as my appetite comes back.
Despite all the joyous news, I still feel nervous as we embrace our 12th week. I guess you always do after the journey we have been on. Monday January 3, 2011 is my NTS scan at the hospital. I will not lie, I am scared, I am anxious and I am nervous. I try and remember that I need to relax and remember to Trust in God's Divine Providence. I will but I am still a little nervous. I just want to hear a good heartbeat and know we have some good development. It is all in God's hands and I pray it will be ok. The Dr office called and said all my pregnancy blood work came back normal ( good news) but I have a urinary tract infection and I am now on antibiotics(bad news). I was having problems completely going and I wake up at night to go and it is only 3 months along. I hope the medicine gives me some relief. I am getting really good at reading at 3 in the morning to help me relax and fall back asleep. I hope there is enough books in the library to get through July!! After Monday's scan, I will have to tell everyone at work so we can start planning for my maternity leave....still cannot grasp that plan yet but that is for another post.
So I wish Happy New Year to all and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers as recently there has been some good news on all fronts from these strong women I call friends. It is a new year and I wish all the health,happiness and good luck to everyone. Thank you to each and everyone of you who have given me such kind words. Whether you know it or not they have given me such comfort and they have come sometimes right when I needed some reassurance. I am here for you and I could not get here without you. Happy New Year 2011 and Best of Luck to us all!!!
Despite all the joyous news, I still feel nervous as we embrace our 12th week. I guess you always do after the journey we have been on. Monday January 3, 2011 is my NTS scan at the hospital. I will not lie, I am scared, I am anxious and I am nervous. I try and remember that I need to relax and remember to Trust in God's Divine Providence. I will but I am still a little nervous. I just want to hear a good heartbeat and know we have some good development. It is all in God's hands and I pray it will be ok. The Dr office called and said all my pregnancy blood work came back normal ( good news) but I have a urinary tract infection and I am now on antibiotics(bad news). I was having problems completely going and I wake up at night to go and it is only 3 months along. I hope the medicine gives me some relief. I am getting really good at reading at 3 in the morning to help me relax and fall back asleep. I hope there is enough books in the library to get through July!! After Monday's scan, I will have to tell everyone at work so we can start planning for my maternity leave....still cannot grasp that plan yet but that is for another post.
So I wish Happy New Year to all and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers as recently there has been some good news on all fronts from these strong women I call friends. It is a new year and I wish all the health,happiness and good luck to everyone. Thank you to each and everyone of you who have given me such kind words. Whether you know it or not they have given me such comfort and they have come sometimes right when I needed some reassurance. I am here for you and I could not get here without you. Happy New Year 2011 and Best of Luck to us all!!!
Thursday, December 16, 2010
10 weeks and waiting
Today was a good day but I will confess that my nerves are shot. I had a dr appointment at 1:15. I woke up this morning with anxiety..maybe its because I watched the reality show Guiliana and Bill and they were doing their shots and IVF procedures and I so could identify with them both. I just was so scared. Today was a big appointment. We are going to leave Saturday for my parents, we are going to send a Christmas gifts to my husbands parents who live on the west coast announcing the baby but only if the doctor appointment was good. There was a lot riding on today's appointment and I will say the nerves got the best of me.
I arrived early and there were 3 women ahead of me. When the nurse arrived, it was the same young nurse I had 8 months ago. She said looking at my chart "wow you have been through a lot since I last saw you." My heart dropped. Then she did all the bloodwork, blood pressure, weight while chatting away that this is going to be a good appointment for me and that she is positive thinking but it was not helping. Then she ushered me into an exam room and left me to wait for the doctor.
I did not know that my doctor was delayed at surgery next door. So I was alone for 45 minutes on the exam table. I had a lot of time to think and panic but I prayed..and prayed and prayed. I re-read posts from some of the wonderful ladies who have supported me and I be lived. I heard at mass this weekend the priest say "Trust in God's divine Providence." I kept saying it over and over as the time dragged on. After 45 minutes, the doctor arrived and I instinctively held my breath.
As long as it took to get him in the room, the exam was over before I knew it. Maybe it was because as he did the ultrasound, I close my eyes. I did not want to look at the screen until he told me to look. When I did he had froze the screen and snapped the latest photo of our 10 week old baby. I said did you see the heartbeat? and he and the nurse both laughed they said "Did you see all the movement and the heartbeat? The baby is bouncing along and measured right on track. At that moment, I breathed a large sigh of relief. I do not return to him until January 13, 2010 when I will be 14 weeks. I do have to have the Nuchlar Transluccency Scan (NTS) on January 3, 2010 due to my age which he described as a super duper ultrasound but I was surprised he did not want to see me again until my second trimester but I guess as long as he is happy with my progress so am I.
So off to tell the family next week. I will need their prayers and support as we have never made it this far with any pregnancy before and I know that my husband will be relieved to finally have someone else than me to talk to about this baby. Tomorrow is my last day of work until 2011 and I am so excited. I feel like I can breathe again and for even a short time all is ok in the world. In God there is no failure and I know he is here with us even at the time of year where we focus on him more than any other.
I am off to start packing for Christmas trip home. Smiling, tired but happy...we are on our way!!!I continue to pray for all of the wonderful strong women who share this journey to motherhood with me. I am walking this walk with you...I am praying for us all and I know we can do this together!!!!
I arrived early and there were 3 women ahead of me. When the nurse arrived, it was the same young nurse I had 8 months ago. She said looking at my chart "wow you have been through a lot since I last saw you." My heart dropped. Then she did all the bloodwork, blood pressure, weight while chatting away that this is going to be a good appointment for me and that she is positive thinking but it was not helping. Then she ushered me into an exam room and left me to wait for the doctor.
I did not know that my doctor was delayed at surgery next door. So I was alone for 45 minutes on the exam table. I had a lot of time to think and panic but I prayed..and prayed and prayed. I re-read posts from some of the wonderful ladies who have supported me and I be lived. I heard at mass this weekend the priest say "Trust in God's divine Providence." I kept saying it over and over as the time dragged on. After 45 minutes, the doctor arrived and I instinctively held my breath.
As long as it took to get him in the room, the exam was over before I knew it. Maybe it was because as he did the ultrasound, I close my eyes. I did not want to look at the screen until he told me to look. When I did he had froze the screen and snapped the latest photo of our 10 week old baby. I said did you see the heartbeat? and he and the nurse both laughed they said "Did you see all the movement and the heartbeat? The baby is bouncing along and measured right on track. At that moment, I breathed a large sigh of relief. I do not return to him until January 13, 2010 when I will be 14 weeks. I do have to have the Nuchlar Transluccency Scan (NTS) on January 3, 2010 due to my age which he described as a super duper ultrasound but I was surprised he did not want to see me again until my second trimester but I guess as long as he is happy with my progress so am I.
So off to tell the family next week. I will need their prayers and support as we have never made it this far with any pregnancy before and I know that my husband will be relieved to finally have someone else than me to talk to about this baby. Tomorrow is my last day of work until 2011 and I am so excited. I feel like I can breathe again and for even a short time all is ok in the world. In God there is no failure and I know he is here with us even at the time of year where we focus on him more than any other.
I am off to start packing for Christmas trip home. Smiling, tired but happy...we are on our way!!!I continue to pray for all of the wonderful strong women who share this journey to motherhood with me. I am walking this walk with you...I am praying for us all and I know we can do this together!!!!
Friday, December 10, 2010
9 weeks and waiting
Since my last post it has been a crazy week. We are planning on leaving next Saturday for my parents house for Christmas so I have 2 weeks at work to get 4 weeks worth of things done. I have been so tired after the day I cannot even think about reading any of my library books, my blogs, or newspapers I go right to bed.
I am still having a tough time with my stomach not throwing up, but just sour. No food is appealing and I eat like a 2 yr old of cereal, applesauce, toast and some fruit when I can. It has gotten better but it is still present. I also have trouble sleeping through night. I wake up each night and for 1-2 hours I watch tv to try and get sleepy to go back to bed. Lucky that husband and dogs are heavy sleepers.
My next appointment is on the 16th and we will have another ultrasound. I am hoping to be a great visit as we are leaving two days later and we plan to tell our families on Christmas about the pregnancy. I hope we get a good photo so we can use it in the unveiling of everyone's first grandchild. I am scared to death to tell anyone. It has been 9 weeks and only hubby and I and the doctors know about our little firecracker. I am hoping after this visit I can breath and tell our families. I will need them to finish this pregnancy and more prayers are always welcome.
I still have anxiety, I still feel like I am waiting for the other show to drop but I tell the devil to leave me and I focus on the power of god. He has gotten me safe this far and I know he will be with me through it all to the end. This is his season and I feel strong when I think of his power and glory to create a son to a woman who had been born without sin and did not know man. I know he can be with us as we bring this child to our families this season.
I hope next week goes by quickly and I am hoping and praying for good dr appointments (something will never change). I am keeping all of you in my prayers for this holiday season. Good things for us all.
I am still having a tough time with my stomach not throwing up, but just sour. No food is appealing and I eat like a 2 yr old of cereal, applesauce, toast and some fruit when I can. It has gotten better but it is still present. I also have trouble sleeping through night. I wake up each night and for 1-2 hours I watch tv to try and get sleepy to go back to bed. Lucky that husband and dogs are heavy sleepers.
My next appointment is on the 16th and we will have another ultrasound. I am hoping to be a great visit as we are leaving two days later and we plan to tell our families on Christmas about the pregnancy. I hope we get a good photo so we can use it in the unveiling of everyone's first grandchild. I am scared to death to tell anyone. It has been 9 weeks and only hubby and I and the doctors know about our little firecracker. I am hoping after this visit I can breath and tell our families. I will need them to finish this pregnancy and more prayers are always welcome.
I still have anxiety, I still feel like I am waiting for the other show to drop but I tell the devil to leave me and I focus on the power of god. He has gotten me safe this far and I know he will be with me through it all to the end. This is his season and I feel strong when I think of his power and glory to create a son to a woman who had been born without sin and did not know man. I know he can be with us as we bring this child to our families this season.
I hope next week goes by quickly and I am hoping and praying for good dr appointments (something will never change). I am keeping all of you in my prayers for this holiday season. Good things for us all.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Our little July Firecracker
My second favorite holiday is 4th of July. I do not know if it is the heart of summer,fun and food or the patriotism but it is my favorite holiday behind Thanksgiving. After all my doctor appointments this week, it is my favorite month because it is when our first child is due - July 14, 2011.
My appointment with the RE on November 30, 2010 was scary but very positive. I think my husband and I held out breathe as the doctor came in and started the ultrasound. In fact I did not even look at the screen initially because I was afraid what would be there or not be there. Then the RE turned on the sound and I heard the sweetest noise in the world as our baby's heartbeat. I have never heard such a beautiful sound. The RE said all measurements looked great and he said congratulations and officially graduated us from his program. I think we were still in such shock that we could not even process all the information. The doctor's office gave us a nice graduation package and our babies first teddy bear and photo. I wanted to stare at the screen all day so I guess the photo was a good alternative.
After being released from my RE it was back to my OBGYN who I knew because of my history would want to see me sooner than later which was today December 2, 2010. I was the only patient there this morning and Dr. T took his time. He went over all my records from the RE and I can tell he was going slow so not to get too excited. Then was time for the ultrasound and once again I held my breath. I do not know when and if I will ever stop worrying and actually enjoy these exams but they are still so taxing. There was our little July firecracker with its heart beating away and had even grown in just 2 days from last ultrasound. I was so happy and so was Dr. T. He said "this is a good thing" and he acknowledged that I have been waiting so long for some good news and he was glad to be able to give it to me. He gave me all the normal cautions but he was truly happy with my exam and our little firecracker who measured at 8 weeks. He wants to see me again in 2 weeks just before we leave to go home to my family for Christmas when we should be about 10 weeks. I started to breathe after I left his office.
I want to say thank you to everyone who has been praying for us these last few weeks. I can feel your prayers and I rely on your strength. I still worry every day, I still feel like the other shoe is gonna drop, but I am slowly able to embrace the joy of this pregnancy. I miss my two other pregnancies but I have learned so much and like Dr. T said I have waited a long time just to get to this point it feels good to be in the moment and we are happy just to be here. God is truly all powerful and I thank him for this July blessing every second of the day. Thank you all for being here on the walk and to all of us who still have our journeys to go I am believing in you, for me and for all of us.
My appointment with the RE on November 30, 2010 was scary but very positive. I think my husband and I held out breathe as the doctor came in and started the ultrasound. In fact I did not even look at the screen initially because I was afraid what would be there or not be there. Then the RE turned on the sound and I heard the sweetest noise in the world as our baby's heartbeat. I have never heard such a beautiful sound. The RE said all measurements looked great and he said congratulations and officially graduated us from his program. I think we were still in such shock that we could not even process all the information. The doctor's office gave us a nice graduation package and our babies first teddy bear and photo. I wanted to stare at the screen all day so I guess the photo was a good alternative.
After being released from my RE it was back to my OBGYN who I knew because of my history would want to see me sooner than later which was today December 2, 2010. I was the only patient there this morning and Dr. T took his time. He went over all my records from the RE and I can tell he was going slow so not to get too excited. Then was time for the ultrasound and once again I held my breath. I do not know when and if I will ever stop worrying and actually enjoy these exams but they are still so taxing. There was our little July firecracker with its heart beating away and had even grown in just 2 days from last ultrasound. I was so happy and so was Dr. T. He said "this is a good thing" and he acknowledged that I have been waiting so long for some good news and he was glad to be able to give it to me. He gave me all the normal cautions but he was truly happy with my exam and our little firecracker who measured at 8 weeks. He wants to see me again in 2 weeks just before we leave to go home to my family for Christmas when we should be about 10 weeks. I started to breathe after I left his office.
I want to say thank you to everyone who has been praying for us these last few weeks. I can feel your prayers and I rely on your strength. I still worry every day, I still feel like the other shoe is gonna drop, but I am slowly able to embrace the joy of this pregnancy. I miss my two other pregnancies but I have learned so much and like Dr. T said I have waited a long time just to get to this point it feels good to be in the moment and we are happy just to be here. God is truly all powerful and I thank him for this July blessing every second of the day. Thank you all for being here on the walk and to all of us who still have our journeys to go I am believing in you, for me and for all of us.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Giving Thanks
For the first time in the 10 years my husband and I have been together we are spending this holiday alone. Although it is my favorite holiday next to 4th of July, I am actually looking forward to it. No traveling hassels, no cleaning for company, no preparing meals, no extended house visitors, no family quarrels.
On the flip side I do miss my parents and my mother's soothing conversations and quality tips in the kitchen. I will be home for Christmas and I will get my fill then. So what are we going to do the long weekend???? Relax, rest, clean out a garage(my hubby's list), clean out a closet(my hubby's list)decorate for xmas ( my list).
Anything to keep us busy and keep my mind off Tuesday Doctor appointment. It is early and I have to go out of town for a big case immediately after so I am looking forward to having something else to think about than the results.
I will be 7 weeks and 3 days and I have never had a good appointment at that phase so I am praying and hoping for the best. I have had a tough week of sour stomach and I think I have drank enough ginger ale my blood type is changing to "Canada Dry." Otherwise I am doing well. I am thankful for my husband and my family. I am thankful for this child which continues to grow and prosper. I am thankful for the strong women who have encouraged me on this trip especially when I really needed it.
I am thankful we have all made it through the tough times and I am hoping our futures are full of bright happy memories. I think I will rest this weekend so no posts until after doctor appointment on November 30. Until then I will keep positive thoughts, and praying and believing...I am thankful I can do that this year!
On the flip side I do miss my parents and my mother's soothing conversations and quality tips in the kitchen. I will be home for Christmas and I will get my fill then. So what are we going to do the long weekend???? Relax, rest, clean out a garage(my hubby's list), clean out a closet(my hubby's list)decorate for xmas ( my list).
Anything to keep us busy and keep my mind off Tuesday Doctor appointment. It is early and I have to go out of town for a big case immediately after so I am looking forward to having something else to think about than the results.
I will be 7 weeks and 3 days and I have never had a good appointment at that phase so I am praying and hoping for the best. I have had a tough week of sour stomach and I think I have drank enough ginger ale my blood type is changing to "Canada Dry." Otherwise I am doing well. I am thankful for my husband and my family. I am thankful for this child which continues to grow and prosper. I am thankful for the strong women who have encouraged me on this trip especially when I really needed it.
I am thankful we have all made it through the tough times and I am hoping our futures are full of bright happy memories. I think I will rest this weekend so no posts until after doctor appointment on November 30. Until then I will keep positive thoughts, and praying and believing...I am thankful I can do that this year!
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Off the wagon in a moment of weaknes...
The last 10 days have been a blurr.... I have not had anytime to write down all the feelings that I have now that I can confirm I am pregnant. The 2 blood tests were positive and the levels were properly doubling...(thank you lord). Tomorrow we are officially 6 weeks which makes me scared because in the past we never seem to get past that week.
I know that I am not supposed to compare my past to my future.
I know each pregnancy is different.
I do not want to be overly hopeful but I do not want to deny this child any joy.
Therefore, I keep telling myself "I can be blessed, or I can be stressed and I choose to be blessed." I am thinking about cross stitching it on a sampler since I have been saying it so often these past weeks.
Thankful for all the nice comments and prayers you have all sent.(keep them coming as I am sending them back to you).
We have not told anyone here this time. I don't know why but we will when we are both ready. Our next appointment is on November 30, 2010 for first ultrasound...again never been a good experience in the past and just thinking of it makes me nervous. I have realized in the media recently so many women are coming forward with their miscarriages ( Celion Dion, Mariah Carey, Pink, Guiliana Ranic)...a sorority of amazing women who have walked in our shoes and are so strong and brave to share their struggles and joys in public. I hope to find that courage someday too.
Slowly I tell myself..there is nothing I can do....I have faith.. I believe...I know all things are possible through God and I am thankful for this blessing this month...I just fall off the wagon sometimes and the power or negativity is so strong in moment of weakness is the darkest. But then the sun comes up and I realize we have made it through another day and I say thank you...We are blessed...We will not give up... we will make it... afterall I believe someday we all will.
I know that I am not supposed to compare my past to my future.
I know each pregnancy is different.
I do not want to be overly hopeful but I do not want to deny this child any joy.
Therefore, I keep telling myself "I can be blessed, or I can be stressed and I choose to be blessed." I am thinking about cross stitching it on a sampler since I have been saying it so often these past weeks.
Thankful for all the nice comments and prayers you have all sent.(keep them coming as I am sending them back to you).
We have not told anyone here this time. I don't know why but we will when we are both ready. Our next appointment is on November 30, 2010 for first ultrasound...again never been a good experience in the past and just thinking of it makes me nervous. I have realized in the media recently so many women are coming forward with their miscarriages ( Celion Dion, Mariah Carey, Pink, Guiliana Ranic)...a sorority of amazing women who have walked in our shoes and are so strong and brave to share their struggles and joys in public. I hope to find that courage someday too.
Slowly I tell myself..there is nothing I can do....I have faith.. I believe...I know all things are possible through God and I am thankful for this blessing this month...I just fall off the wagon sometimes and the power or negativity is so strong in moment of weakness is the darkest. But then the sun comes up and I realize we have made it through another day and I say thank you...We are blessed...We will not give up... we will make it... afterall I believe someday we all will.
Monday, November 8, 2010
A Wide Range of Emotions.
I am happy.
I am scared.
I am excited.
I am worried.
I am hopeful.
I am guarded.
I am thankful.
I am fearful.
I am PREGNANT....confirmed by doctor's office this morning.
I cannot put into words to describe much anything else right now. Maybe when the shock wears off or maybe when I return from Wednesday's doctor appointment I will be able to compose my thoughts better. All I can say is I am living in the moment and most thankful to be here.
I am scared.
I am excited.
I am worried.
I am hopeful.
I am guarded.
I am thankful.
I am fearful.
I am PREGNANT....confirmed by doctor's office this morning.
I cannot put into words to describe much anything else right now. Maybe when the shock wears off or maybe when I return from Wednesday's doctor appointment I will be able to compose my thoughts better. All I can say is I am living in the moment and most thankful to be here.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Its only words.....
Today I was putting away the many, and I mean many of receipts and paperwork we have collected from visits to the doctor. I was looking at the receipt from our second IUI last week and the office had circled "ovulatory dysfunction". As if I did not need anymore pressure that this infertility is my fault since I am older than my husband, I am the one who had the cysts and the fibroids. My husband is the one who has A+ sperm samples month after month. Maybe I am reading too much into this but I felt suddenly more broken than normal. It was like by those words even the doctor was admitting our infertility was my fault. I cannot fix it. I cannot change it. I want so badly to resolve this issue but as I read those words I felt more helpless and more responsible. Maybe its my mid week let down but today was not good for me either personally and or professionally and those words just made it worse. Friday is the office Halloween party where everyone is goign to be bringing their kids to the office for lunch and a costume parade. I am not looking forward to it despite the fact that I am one of the judges for the best costume contest. This week I just feel like the player who never gets to play. Whoever said "words will never hurt me" has never walked in these size 8 1/2 shoes.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Being Defeated Is Temporary;Giving Up is Permanent
Today is my second IUI with my Re. The first 2 weeks of the cycle has been so busy that I cannot believe the day is here already. I had a tense moment on Monday when I went in for an ultrasound and they thought I had a cyst ( at which point they would not let us go forward with trying this cycle) but then a second technician came in and she announced it was a follicle and we were off!!! I also had my parents in town so any drama would not have been good.
Not to mention, I had to fly to New York on Tuesday and I had to carry my syringes with me because after the doctor viewed the ultrasound he announced we have one very large follicle and I would have to give myself my injections Tuesday night as I traveled back from NYC. In case anyone ever wonders you can take syringes on the plane in your carry on ( after hours of research on TSA website). I had no problems going through security in Florida or New York. The only weird incident was that I had to give myself the injections in a bathroom stall in the LaGuardia airport. I will admit not my best moment, but today as I get ready to go for my second IUI it is all worth it. It was a great conference of women in leadership and it was very empowering and wonderful to be with such strong women and hear their viewpoints on leadership and work and families.
I also realized looking at my trusty calender that today would be our due date for our second loss and tomorrow would be one year anniversary (sad) from our first loss D and C. Hence the quote on the top: I realize I am defeated but I not going to give up. I feel sad for all we do not have. I am sad that we have so many losses and so many trials/struggles/failures in the last 15 months. I wish I could have been celebrating with my family our childs due date instead of asking them to pray for us as we are in the middle of TTC#2. In spite of the emptiness that no matter what I do I still have, I have to move forward. I hope that today we will be like a phoenix rising from the ashes and we will have some success from all the saddness of October memories. I am sad, I am scared, I am cautious but I am hopeful and I am having faith we can get up and go through all of this again this month and hope for the best results.
In god there is no failure, so even though the overwhelming feeling of failure I have about my fertility, I blame myself for my age, for my body , everything I think about this process I have or do blame myself but I know that God everything is possible and I hope this is possible for us in October! I am off to the doctor's office with all these emotions hoping for the best but expecting the worst...just like every day in this fertility process but I have faith and today that is something!!!
Not to mention, I had to fly to New York on Tuesday and I had to carry my syringes with me because after the doctor viewed the ultrasound he announced we have one very large follicle and I would have to give myself my injections Tuesday night as I traveled back from NYC. In case anyone ever wonders you can take syringes on the plane in your carry on ( after hours of research on TSA website). I had no problems going through security in Florida or New York. The only weird incident was that I had to give myself the injections in a bathroom stall in the LaGuardia airport. I will admit not my best moment, but today as I get ready to go for my second IUI it is all worth it. It was a great conference of women in leadership and it was very empowering and wonderful to be with such strong women and hear their viewpoints on leadership and work and families.
I also realized looking at my trusty calender that today would be our due date for our second loss and tomorrow would be one year anniversary (sad) from our first loss D and C. Hence the quote on the top: I realize I am defeated but I not going to give up. I feel sad for all we do not have. I am sad that we have so many losses and so many trials/struggles/failures in the last 15 months. I wish I could have been celebrating with my family our childs due date instead of asking them to pray for us as we are in the middle of TTC#2. In spite of the emptiness that no matter what I do I still have, I have to move forward. I hope that today we will be like a phoenix rising from the ashes and we will have some success from all the saddness of October memories. I am sad, I am scared, I am cautious but I am hopeful and I am having faith we can get up and go through all of this again this month and hope for the best results.
In god there is no failure, so even though the overwhelming feeling of failure I have about my fertility, I blame myself for my age, for my body , everything I think about this process I have or do blame myself but I know that God everything is possible and I hope this is possible for us in October! I am off to the doctor's office with all these emotions hoping for the best but expecting the worst...just like every day in this fertility process but I have faith and today that is something!!!
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Some fun but time flies!!!!
I realized this evening that I have not posted in over 11 days. I knew that my work schedule was going to be busy and it was more than I anticipated. Time did fly at the RE as well, ultrasound check ok, new drug prescriptions (another small fortune) and new dates for this week. Tomorrow another dr exam to see if we have had a good reaction to the meds and can try this week on TTC#2. Keeping our fingers crossed. I hope that time flies during the next 2 weeks as fast as it has been the last 11 days. This post is not all about baby making which is not all bad.
First, a big kudos to my husband who since August 1 has lost 40 lbs on his diet. He keeps me honest and the 19 lbs I lost are good too. Second, I had a great weekend with my parents. My parents live 1,000 miles away and were visiting for the last 5 days. It can be a stressful time but my mom and I went to 8 stores in 2 days trying to stimulate Floria's economy. It was a good time filled with laughter, window shopping and great thanksgiving decorations. I will not see them again until Christmas and there is a lot of time before then. I enjoyed their visit and it was good to not be able to obsess over everything for a while. I have to go to New York this week on business for the day and my mother helped me pick out a nice stylish outfit and new shoes ( what woman does not like a good pair of shoes).
Finally, thanks to my good friend who remembered Friday was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. She had gone on the internet and ordered a pin of pink and blue and a bracelet for me to wear. It was very thoughtful and very nice to be able to share the loss with my small portion of the world. There were times when I want no one to know of our losses and then there are times I want to scream it from the roof tops. This weekend it was the latter. Thank you to my two guardian angels watching over me. Mommy loves you both always.
I hope to a good week for all of us an safe travels to my family and a good news to all of our prayers.
First, a big kudos to my husband who since August 1 has lost 40 lbs on his diet. He keeps me honest and the 19 lbs I lost are good too. Second, I had a great weekend with my parents. My parents live 1,000 miles away and were visiting for the last 5 days. It can be a stressful time but my mom and I went to 8 stores in 2 days trying to stimulate Floria's economy. It was a good time filled with laughter, window shopping and great thanksgiving decorations. I will not see them again until Christmas and there is a lot of time before then. I enjoyed their visit and it was good to not be able to obsess over everything for a while. I have to go to New York this week on business for the day and my mother helped me pick out a nice stylish outfit and new shoes ( what woman does not like a good pair of shoes).
Finally, thanks to my good friend who remembered Friday was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. She had gone on the internet and ordered a pin of pink and blue and a bracelet for me to wear. It was very thoughtful and very nice to be able to share the loss with my small portion of the world. There were times when I want no one to know of our losses and then there are times I want to scream it from the roof tops. This weekend it was the latter. Thank you to my two guardian angels watching over me. Mommy loves you both always.
I hope to a good week for all of us an safe travels to my family and a good news to all of our prayers.
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