Its only words.....

Today I was putting away the many, and I mean many of receipts and paperwork we have collected from visits to the doctor. I was looking at the receipt from our second IUI last week and the office had circled "ovulatory dysfunction". As if I did not need anymore pressure that this infertility is my fault since I am older than my husband, I am the one who had the cysts and the fibroids. My husband is the one who has A+ sperm samples month after month. Maybe I am reading too much into this but I felt suddenly more broken than normal. It was like by those words even the doctor was admitting our infertility was my fault. I cannot fix it. I cannot change it. I want so badly to resolve this issue but as I read those words I felt more helpless and more responsible. Maybe its my mid week let down but today was not good for me either personally and or professionally and those words just made it worse. Friday is the office Halloween party where everyone is goign to be bringing their kids to the office for lunch and a costume parade. I am not looking forward to it despite the fact that I am one of the judges for the best costume contest. This week I just feel like the player who never gets to play. Whoever said "words will never hurt me" has never walked in these size 8 1/2 shoes.

Being Defeated Is Temporary;Giving Up is Permanent

Today is my second IUI with my Re. The first 2 weeks of the cycle has been so busy that I cannot believe the day is here already. I had a tense moment on Monday when I went in for an ultrasound and they thought I had a cyst ( at which point they would not let us go forward with trying this cycle) but then a second technician came in and she announced it was a follicle and we were off!!! I also had my parents in town so any drama would not have been good.

Not to mention, I had to fly to New York on Tuesday and I had to carry my syringes with me because after the doctor viewed the ultrasound he announced we have one very large follicle and I would have to give myself my injections Tuesday night as I traveled back from NYC. In case anyone ever wonders you can take syringes on the plane in your carry on ( after hours of research on TSA website). I had no problems going through security in Florida or New York. The only weird incident was that I had to give myself the injections in a bathroom stall in the LaGuardia airport. I will admit not my best moment, but today as I get ready to go for my second IUI it is all worth it. It was a great conference of women in leadership and it was very empowering and wonderful to be with such strong women and hear their viewpoints on leadership and work and families.

I also realized looking at my trusty calender that today would be our due date for our second loss and tomorrow would be one year anniversary (sad) from our first loss D and C. Hence the quote on the top: I realize I am defeated but I not going to give up. I feel sad for all we do not have. I am sad that we have so many losses and so many trials/struggles/failures in the last 15 months. I wish I could have been celebrating with my family our childs due date instead of asking them to pray for us as we are in the middle of TTC#2. In spite of the emptiness that no matter what I do I still have, I have to move forward. I hope that today we will be like a phoenix rising from the ashes and we will have some success from all the saddness of October memories. I am sad, I am scared, I am cautious but I am hopeful and I am having faith we can get up and go through all of this again this month and hope for the best results.

In god there is no failure, so even though the overwhelming feeling of failure I have about my fertility, I blame myself for my age, for my body , everything I think about this process I have or do blame myself but I know that God everything is possible and I hope this is possible for us in October! I am off to the doctor's office with all these emotions hoping for the best but expecting the worst...just like every day in this fertility process but I have faith and today that is something!!!

Some fun but time flies!!!!

I realized this evening that I have not posted in over 11 days. I knew that my work schedule was going to be busy and it was more than I anticipated. Time did fly at the RE as well, ultrasound check ok, new drug prescriptions (another small fortune) and new dates for this week. Tomorrow another dr exam to see if we have had a good reaction to the meds and can try this week on TTC#2. Keeping our fingers crossed. I hope that time flies during the next 2 weeks as fast as it has been the last 11 days. This post is not all about baby making which is not all bad.

First, a big kudos to my husband who since August 1 has lost 40 lbs on his diet. He keeps me honest and the 19 lbs I lost are good too. Second, I had a great weekend with my parents. My parents live 1,000 miles away and were visiting for the last 5 days. It can be a stressful time but my mom and I went to 8 stores in 2 days trying to stimulate Floria's economy. It was a good time filled with laughter, window shopping and great thanksgiving decorations. I will not see them again until Christmas and there is a lot of time before then. I enjoyed their visit and it was good to not be able to obsess over everything for a while. I have to go to New York this week on business for the day and my mother helped me pick out a nice stylish outfit and new shoes ( what woman does not like a good pair of shoes).

Finally, thanks to my good friend who remembered Friday was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. She had gone on the internet and ordered a pin of pink and blue and a bracelet for me to wear. It was very thoughtful and very nice to be able to share the loss with my small portion of the world. There were times when I want no one to know of our losses and then there are times I want to scream it from the roof tops. This weekend it was the latter. Thank you to my two guardian angels watching over me. Mommy loves you both always.

I hope to a good week for all of us an safe travels to my family and a good news to all of our prayers.

The Results are in:

The results are in and they are negative. I really do not even like the color pink but everytime I seem to take a pregnancy test I find myself begging and praying for 2 pink lines. The wind really does come out of your sails when the result is one shiny bright pink line instead of two. Once I confirmed that TTC cycle#1 was not a success, I looked at my trusty pocket calender and I realized I will be away this week when I am to have an exam and start my medications. I called the RE and thank god I got the "good nurse" who calmly listened to all my fears. She then went over all of my results with me of the cycle #1 and she said there would be no changes for October or TTC cycle #2 and all of my exams and tests results were right where they wanted them to be for the treatment. She also called in my perscription and gave me an appointment for Tuesday when I am back in town. I really love "the good nurse" and she talked me down off the wall I had scaled myself on.

I am not going to say I was not sad today. I felt like I was a year older than last year when we were pregnant and maybe that is it. I have to say being 38 is scary because my ob always said make sure you have all your kids before you are 40 . Why? He never said but I do feel like I am in a hourglass and the sands are quickly slipping by me. I was sad because I felt like we had done the most aggressive approach and it did not work any better than when my husband and I were just trying on our own. But then I blinked away some tears and tried to focus that I am doing all I can do. I have a doctor who I trust and who trusts me and this treatment. I have gone through one cycle now so I know what to expect, how to handle the medications. I will be better next time. I have to be positive or else I will cry.

My husband was there to be supportive. He tried to make me laugh by saying "when" we conceive this month the baby will be born in July, which is an inside joke because we both have parents born that month that are stubborn, hard headed and strong willed. It would be a fitting to have our child carry on that personality. I have my parents in town this month so as much stress as that can add it will be a nice change. I will have to hide the pocket calender during their visit(smile). So I am on the couch waiting for the Braves baseball game to start trying to feel too much like a failure and trying to remember my rainbow is out there and I just have to find it. Focus on the positive, stay calm and just breathe....at least for the next few days.

TTC#1 over this week!!!

From my last post, I will say I had a better week (thanks to encouragement from all). I made my peace with this month's TTC. It was so new with the RE and dr appts and medications, that whatever this cycle brings I am content. I will be sad with a negative result and I would be happy with a positive result but I think this whole cycle was a good learning step for both of us. It was our first trying cycle since February 2010 and it was scary,happy,fearful, and stressful all rolled into one..if that makes sense? Who knew a pocket calender would become my most used item in my purse between RE visits, shots, and pill appointments?

I did have a good follow up with RE, the blood test confirmed that the medications did produce ovulation so the rest is not up to me but up to God(smile). Work and a visit from family this month is going to make TTC cycle #2 if necessary a little bit tricky but my husband and I have talked about it and we will make it work. He is my rock.

So I am 11 DPO today and still not testing. I am gonna wait and let nature take its course which is anytime from Wednesday to Saturday this week. I have to travel for work this month and I have a very big week of out of office assignments Ocotber 11 so whatever happens good or bad work will be a welcome distraction. Until then, off to give my dogs their dinner, my husband a peck on the cheek and maybe we can have dinner out tonight..treat ourselves for a wonderful fall day has come to an end here in Florida. Not too bad a way to start this new week and conclude this first month of TTC. For now that is all I need and as always I am just living in the moment.

A bad day.

I am extremely moody these days and before you think it is a positive sign - I do not count it as a plus as I am in the two week wait.

Yesterday, I was housecleaning my area where I watch tv. It has all my favorite books I am currently reading, crossword puzzles, photo of my husband, and card from the dogs( really!). It is a great spot in the living room a place where I have curled up with many a good book and cried at many a movie. As I was putting things in order, I found my journal. I had not written in the journal for over 5 months...since my last checkup with my ob after my 2nd d&c. I started the journal after our first loss and before this blog, as a legacy to our children. I would write down how the day went, how I was feeling and so much how much we wanted them in our life with the hope that someday I will share the experience of their journey to be with us and let them know how much we wanted them, how much we went through to get them and how much we love them. I re read the pages from February 2010 when I was last in the two week wait. There was such hope, such joy and then I read the pages where I found out I was pregnant and I realized today I should have been 8 months pregnant ready to deliver our child in October.Then I read the last entries in the journal where I went from planning to tell the family, to scheduling my second d and c and then there was nothing. I never had the energy to pick it back up. It was like a book with a bad ending.

I feel like the wind is knocked out of me. My heart began to ache and nothing I did made it go away. Then my husband began talking about traveling to see his family for the holidays and I panicked...ran to my trusty calender trying to determine when we could go so I did not miss any of my important cycle days to try again in oct, nov, dec, jan....am I crazy? We went out on our errands and every women who had a child or was pregnant I kept saying why not me? what did she do differently then me? why am I broken? why can I not achieve the one thing we want so much now?

I am going to an evening mass tonight to find some peace. Sometimes just sitting there with my thoughts makes me feel so much better. It is also where I send up my best prayers to all of those who are struggling. Let's hope it helps..

Waiting and more waiting.....

I think it is helpful to me to write down what has happened the last 4 days so I can remember it all. On Monday my husband gave the double Ovidrel injection which would trigger ovulation. I had done a ovulation kit on Monday and it was negative. I followed up on Tuesday and I had a positive ovulation test. On Wednesday morning, my husband gave his sperm sample for the IUI. I love this man and I believe the new standard for any single woman who is deciding if the man she is dating is"the one" is if when asked he will give a sperm sample not once but twice without any fuss. He truly is a keeper and as you will see below the doctor's office agreed.

When I arrived at the doctor's office for the IUI, the receptionist said my husband should have received a gold star because he had all his paperwork filled out and proudly turned in his sample on time. I was so proud of him. Then we met the Dr and did the IUI procedure which was so easy compared to all the poking and prodding I have been through in the last year. The RE gave us the results of the sperm specimen and said his sample was a A+ and had plenty of sperm with good mobility. My husband was so proud. The nurse gave us a copy of the print out to keep in our "baby book". Her words exactly which I believe might be a little bit too optimistic for me at this point but I liked her enthusiasm.

After the procedure we rested for 30 minutes and then it was back to normal activities. I know I ovulated yesterday because as all women who are in this process knows their body signals..my cm dried up and my cervix was closed. I did not temp this month as I was way too busy and I thought it would only drive me crazy so I cannot tell you if there was a temperature shift.

Now we wait until September 22 for a progesterone blood test and if it is low we take supplements. We were also told to take a home pregnancy test on October 2, 2010. I will not do it then though, as it will be 10 days past IUI but almost 7 days before my period is due. Nothing is worse than taking it and getting a a negative result and or positive result that then turns in to a negative result. I will pick option b which is to wait and wait until period due on October 9, 2010. I am trying not to analyze every little symptom as the day goes on I am thankful that work is so busy that I do not have any time to search the internet. Sometimes I am so thankful for work that I can focus on something other than the slow moving time. I am really tired this morning probably because I was so excited about the IUI yesterday and I am ready for the weekend.

I am praying, I am remembering that: " The happiest people do not necessarily have the best of everything, they just make the best of everything they have." Therefore I am happy to be in the moment. To be waiting for the first time in 8 months for a positive PG test. I am happy to have a job, a loving husband, 2 wonderful dogs and that my alma mater is playing college football tonight ( a great way to pass time.."It's all about the "U"), good friends who support me, and a loving God with whom all things are possible. Am I scared..of course but I am living in the moment and reminding myself this whole experience has been for a reason and even if I don't know what it was now, God knows and it was and always will be his plan for us. I trust. I believe. I am in the moment and for now it feels good, nothing more or less to be right where I am.