Sunday, September 26, 2010

A bad day.

I am extremely moody these days and before you think it is a positive sign - I do not count it as a plus as I am in the two week wait.

Yesterday, I was housecleaning my area where I watch tv. It has all my favorite books I am currently reading, crossword puzzles, photo of my husband, and card from the dogs( really!). It is a great spot in the living room a place where I have curled up with many a good book and cried at many a movie. As I was putting things in order, I found my journal. I had not written in the journal for over 5 months...since my last checkup with my ob after my 2nd d&c. I started the journal after our first loss and before this blog, as a legacy to our children. I would write down how the day went, how I was feeling and so much how much we wanted them in our life with the hope that someday I will share the experience of their journey to be with us and let them know how much we wanted them, how much we went through to get them and how much we love them. I re read the pages from February 2010 when I was last in the two week wait. There was such hope, such joy and then I read the pages where I found out I was pregnant and I realized today I should have been 8 months pregnant ready to deliver our child in October.Then I read the last entries in the journal where I went from planning to tell the family, to scheduling my second d and c and then there was nothing. I never had the energy to pick it back up. It was like a book with a bad ending.

I feel like the wind is knocked out of me. My heart began to ache and nothing I did made it go away. Then my husband began talking about traveling to see his family for the holidays and I panicked...ran to my trusty calender trying to determine when we could go so I did not miss any of my important cycle days to try again in oct, nov, dec, I crazy? We went out on our errands and every women who had a child or was pregnant I kept saying why not me? what did she do differently then me? why am I broken? why can I not achieve the one thing we want so much now?

I am going to an evening mass tonight to find some peace. Sometimes just sitting there with my thoughts makes me feel so much better. It is also where I send up my best prayers to all of those who are struggling. Let's hope it helps..

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Waiting and more waiting.....

I think it is helpful to me to write down what has happened the last 4 days so I can remember it all. On Monday my husband gave the double Ovidrel injection which would trigger ovulation. I had done a ovulation kit on Monday and it was negative. I followed up on Tuesday and I had a positive ovulation test. On Wednesday morning, my husband gave his sperm sample for the IUI. I love this man and I believe the new standard for any single woman who is deciding if the man she is dating is"the one" is if when asked he will give a sperm sample not once but twice without any fuss. He truly is a keeper and as you will see below the doctor's office agreed.

When I arrived at the doctor's office for the IUI, the receptionist said my husband should have received a gold star because he had all his paperwork filled out and proudly turned in his sample on time. I was so proud of him. Then we met the Dr and did the IUI procedure which was so easy compared to all the poking and prodding I have been through in the last year. The RE gave us the results of the sperm specimen and said his sample was a A+ and had plenty of sperm with good mobility. My husband was so proud. The nurse gave us a copy of the print out to keep in our "baby book". Her words exactly which I believe might be a little bit too optimistic for me at this point but I liked her enthusiasm.

After the procedure we rested for 30 minutes and then it was back to normal activities. I know I ovulated yesterday because as all women who are in this process knows their body cm dried up and my cervix was closed. I did not temp this month as I was way too busy and I thought it would only drive me crazy so I cannot tell you if there was a temperature shift.

Now we wait until September 22 for a progesterone blood test and if it is low we take supplements. We were also told to take a home pregnancy test on October 2, 2010. I will not do it then though, as it will be 10 days past IUI but almost 7 days before my period is due. Nothing is worse than taking it and getting a a negative result and or positive result that then turns in to a negative result. I will pick option b which is to wait and wait until period due on October 9, 2010. I am trying not to analyze every little symptom as the day goes on I am thankful that work is so busy that I do not have any time to search the internet. Sometimes I am so thankful for work that I can focus on something other than the slow moving time. I am really tired this morning probably because I was so excited about the IUI yesterday and I am ready for the weekend.

I am praying, I am remembering that: " The happiest people do not necessarily have the best of everything, they just make the best of everything they have." Therefore I am happy to be in the moment. To be waiting for the first time in 8 months for a positive PG test. I am happy to have a job, a loving husband, 2 wonderful dogs and that my alma mater is playing college football tonight ( a great way to pass time.."It's all about the "U"), good friends who support me, and a loving God with whom all things are possible. Am I scared..of course but I am living in the moment and reminding myself this whole experience has been for a reason and even if I don't know what it was now, God knows and it was and always will be his plan for us. I trust. I believe. I am in the moment and for now it feels good, nothing more or less to be right where I am.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

A New 4 day wait!!!!

First, I am thankful that my work was absolutely crazy this week. I hardly had time to breathe but it was good because it kept my mind off the medications I was taking. I did not have time to really worry: "Am I doing giving the shots right?" "Did I take the pills at the right time?"Is it working?" My husband gave me 2 of the 3 shots and I will admit that he has the touch as they did not hurt at all. The one day I gave myself the shot, it stung. Finally, on Saturday morning we had our follow up ultra sound. It is amazing how many young women were at the RE office on a Saturday. I said a silent prayer for all of us this morning that this would be the last Saturday morning that we all spent in the RE office because we had good news.

Ultrasound showed 6 follicles 3 on the left and 3 on the right. As this is the first time I have done this process, I did not write down all the sizes but the nurse said there were about 3 mature follicles at 13 and most important she said it looked good to TTC this week!! I had to have a blood test and wait for the doctor to call at lunch after reviewing test numbers.

The bad nurse called with good news. Estrogen levels were where they are supposed to be and we are going to try and conceive this week. She gave us the TTC plan for September: Sunday is one more shot ( I am going have my husband do this one as he has the gentle touch). Then we give the Ovidrel shots on Monday night ( again my husbands task) which should trigger ovulation between 18-36 hrs after it is administered. On Wednesday September 22, 2010 we are scheduled for our first IUI. Then, for the first time in over 6 months we begin the Two week wait to see our results.

I promise not to drive myself crazy on the internet comparing follicle sizes and estrogen levels with other women who are using an RE. I have had such peace in this process the last week that I am living in the moment and trusting in God that this cycle is a success. I am positive, I am excited,I am hopeful...which is a huge step in the right direction.

Good news to seem to follow the women who have been my biggest supporters. They have been reinvigorated in faith, have found some answers/ made plans and we have been re-charged for the next week. I am praying for us all.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

A new 1 week wait!

Something happened on Friday that had never happened before. A positive ultrasound. After over a year filled with a series of negative transvaginal ultrasounds: no fetal development, no heartbeat, presence of fibroids, presence of cysts, it finally happened on Friday. The nurse said "everything looks good you're ready to begin treatment." I was floored and answered "hurry up and end the scan before you find something and you change your mind." We both laughed. Laughter at my RE office - a second first time occurrence. There is more to the dr visit to include the bad nurse messing up the drug order and the good nurse once again coming to my rescue late Friday but it all ended well.

So begins our next phase. It is a complex regimen of pills(Letrozode) for 5 days then shots (Follitism) Mon, Wed and Friday next week.Then, another dreaded Saturday ultrasound to see if my body is reacting well to the medicines and if we get a second greed light to try in September. So its a new 1 week wait but it is a positive one. As I am a Type A personality, it feels good to be "doing" something in this process where so much is out of my control. I have no answers as to why we lost 2 children, why I cannot carry babies past first trimester,but for the first time in this process I am hopeful. I know all the negatives that can happen, I know I may not make it this month to try but I am trying and I am looking forward to the best but expecting the worst( with my track record that may never go away).

Thank you to all of the prayers and sweet thoughts sent. They really meant a lot to me and I keep you all in my prayers daily. I could not have made it through yesterday without you and I hope your weekend is better than expected.

Slow me down Lord to remember that nothing is going to happen today that you and I cannot handle!

Thursday, September 9, 2010

The Good, the Bad and The Ugly

The Good:

1. I have lost 15 lbs on diet and I am at the lowest weight in years.
2. My dog has completely recovered from his surgery and has a clean bill of health.
3. I love my husband more each day ( and its mutual).
4. Dr. appointment tomorrow for ovary check to see if we are ok to try in 12 days

The Bad:

1. Dr. appointment tomorrow for ovary check to see if we are ok to try in 12 days.
2. 1 YEAR from our first pregnancy and we have endured 2 losses and 4 surgeries.

The Ugly:

1. Jealousy to others who have achieved pregnancy and are raising their children
2. Unable to ease the pain of women who have provided me support in the past and are having bad days this week on our journey.
3. Next month would have been our due date on baby #2.

I am a big list person so I wrote this down today. A positive is the good out weigh the bad and the ugly, but the ugly is consuming my mind.

I have been so busy at work and trying to make it through this week, that I have not posted but really I have been in a bad mood. I found myself envious of women in church this week who were holding their babies during mass. I found myself unable to read friends blogs about their 3 months old daughters knowing our first baby was due in June 2010 and it should be the same posts for us. The top was a invitation to a christening of a co worker who had newborn twins . The beautiful invitation gave me no joy, I felt sadness and an emptiness that I immediately began to think of how we can get out of going to the event instead of sharing their joy.

More importantly, I have read the blogs of the women who have given me such inspiration and strength over the last few months and they are hurting this week. Maybe it is the time of the year!!! I want so much to give them comfort, to tell them they need to continue the fight. I want them to stop hurting. I want them to have all their dreams come true but I cannot find the words to accomplish all of the above. I want to tell them how much they mean to me and how I pray for them each night. I laugh at their blogs in happier times and I cry when I read their posts during the dark days that we all have. I could have written their words: I too have cried in the car outside dr office, I have envied healthy, non worrying bigbellied pregnant women, I have asked God why, I have wanted to give up.

I have told no one at work or in my town about our struggle. These women have been my lifeline and my strength through this and I want them to know without them, their experiences (good/bad) I would not be here. I want to help them as they have helped me. I want them to know that even though it is dark for them this week, to remain strong, remain hopeful, remain positive.

I have my own dr appointment tomorrow. A point I have been at 3 times in the last 5 months only to be told bad news. I am trying to think positively but I will admit I am scared. It takes so much energy and strength to put on a brave face and go there to hear if we are able to try this month or will it be another setback but tonight in my prayers it is about the good, the bad and the ugly. I will say some extras for the women who have been my support and I hope tomorrow is a better day for all of us.

Difficult things are put in our way not to stop us but to make us stronger!!!! The closing hymn in church was:

Be not afraid..I go before you always; Come follow me and I will give you rest.

(Which is what I will be thinking tonight and tomorrow for all of us)