Saturday, August 28, 2010

Back on track....excited yet scared

Friday was my post op appointment and I was pleased when my RE, announced the surgery was a success and the cysts were benign. I was even happier when he said that I had been poked and proded from April 2010 and that he thought I was ready for an aggressive plan to get pregnant next month..Next month were words which I felt was an answer to our prayers. Since our last miscarriage in March 2010 I always thought we would be cleared to try sooner than now, then I tried to ignore that we could not try, and now that the dr says we can try I am in a mix of emotions from hope to fear.

As the bad nurse ( see previous posts) explained, it all begins with my next period day 1 (Septemeber 9) and then more ultrasounds, some expensive shots to stimulate the ovaries and then we are on our way. I still do not know if I can give myself the shots. I still do not know if I am going to let myself get my hopes up but it is hard not to be even a little hopeful.

Today,I opened the cabinet that had my prenatal vitamins in it. A place where I hid them after our last loss in hurt to see the bottle on the counter. It hurt to see them these last 4 months as we went through all our tests and my surgeries . It is strange that a bottle of prenatal vitamins that is too bring us something good, caused so much hurt. Despite the past, I took them again this morning as part of our new diet (my husband has lost 25 and I have lost 13 pounds during our first month on the diet). I am getting my body ready for September and I am trying to be optimistic. I am trying to believe it will be ok this time and we can try and conceive. To believe it will work the first time is a dream I do not allow myself to have now. I admit that I allowed myself to think it would be a May 2011 baby if we conveived next month but I forced myself to stop.

For now the wait is for the next 12 days. I am taking those vitamins and I am trying not listen to the voices in my head which tell me all the bad things that can happen, how we are one year older, how we have been disappointed twice before, how the hurt is still there when I think we should be delivering our child in October. I put all those voices aside and I hope, I pray and I love.

My blessing is on its way...let's hope it will be here next month. Give me the strength, give me patience, give me hope.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

After surgery......

Yesterday was a long day. I had to stop eating and drinking after midnight and the surgery was not until head hurt so much from the lack of water that I was glad to have the surgery. Dr said he was pleased with the results...the cyst was larger and more involved with the ovary than the ultrasound showed. I will know more on Friday when I meet with him to remove my stitches as the above was from my husband. I was trying to shake off the anesthesia and swallow the pain meds in the recovery room.

So today, I am really sore and bruised in my lower half but I am resting and napping and reading. One trip was to have breakfast at a diner, where I am convinced every women was pregnant or with a newborn. My husband said we see what we desire most. I think this time he is right. For now I am healing and I am just trying to keep my mind off of what is the next step and happy to know the lord brought us through a 4th surgery. I have to believe all of this has been for some reason. I am ready for the next step, some happiness and some joy. I am ready...we are ready.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Twas the night before surgery

Ok I am supposed to be getting good at surgery prep so the night before my surgery I am eating as much food as I can before my midnight fast begins. I met the doctor and he said time to take this persistent cyst out. It actually is larger than last month. He said it will be an easy surgery but as you know doctors they have to tell you the informed consent: well there is a 1% chance it is ovarian cancer. I know those are good odds it is not...but I was freaked out. On the positive side, he said this should be a quick recovery and we can get on track to trying to conceive in about 30 days.
Just in case, I said some extra prayers the last two nights. Luckily work was CRAZY and I went in at 7:30 am and left at 9:00pm. I got everything cleaned up so I can go to surgery and recovery this weekend with a peace of mind. It was a long day but it was worth it.
So I am off to give my husband a hug, and pet my dogs. Time To get some rest. I pray that god will see me through tomorrow. I was listening to my favorite gospel station today and I heard the verse: "God always lifts me high above, all the things that try to tear me down." He certainly did for my day at work. Therefore I put my heart, my soul and my body in his hands and I have faith tomorrow will be a good day for surgery. I pray it will be a successful surgery and I am one step closer to conceiving/carrying our child. Lift me up Lord over all the doubts and fears I have about tomorrow's surgery.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Surgery for me and the dog!

Today I found out my older dog, Captain will have surgery on Thursday August 12, 2010 to remove a fatty solid from his shoulder( what the vet said). I am praying for his quick return home. I spoil my dogs as they give us the unconditional love we look for. They never care if I am home late, my hair is messy, my clothes are not designer. They love me for being their owner who rubs their belly, fills their bowls and throws the frisbee. My husband said Captain and I will recover from our surgeries together. I hope he is right. I pray to God Captain will be just fine.

My surgery was successfully moved up 10 days to August 20th. I can honestly say I am excited to be moving on this plan. I checked myself in the mirror today and I realized I smiled, I did not immediately see the failings. I felt good today and I think it is hope inside me. I am always amazed by the power of faith. I believe:

Although each day brings challenges and things that are unknown.
You needn't face them by yourself or deal with them alone.
For others care about you and will keep you close in prayer.
And above all, God will guide you- for his love is always there.

Guide me. I am ready. Keep me strong to make it through Captain and my surgeries. Keep me full of love for my husband and my family. Love me, lead me to our child. Keeping all in my thoughts and prayers.