Friday, December 31, 2010

Happy New Year 2011!!!!

Where did Christmas go? The last 14 days seem like a blurr. We did leave for my parents house for xmas. When we arrived we had to tell my parents about our little firecracker. My father wanted to have a drink to toast our safe arrival and we needed a reason why I did not want a drink. My husband had made a gift with a photo of our 10 week ultrasound. On the outside it said "what are you doing July 2011?" We got some great photos as my mom and dad opened the package and suddenly realized its meaning. They were thrilled. On Christmas Day, my husband's sister and brother inlaw also got some great photos of my inlaws opening the same gift. The entire family was thrilled. I cannot tell you how many people my parents have told in the 2 weeks we were there. It truly made me realize how many people were silently praying for us and were estatic with our news. Who knew the base of untapped support we had and how blessed I feel that they are all praying for us now. What an experience it was telling our families. I will always remember it. I also took advantage of it and got some well needed rest. Smells and certain holiday foods made eating difficult but my mother was a life savior and made sure I had enough to eat and rest the entire trip. I love you mom. As I am in my 12th week, the nausousness has lessened but I still have the burping and NO DESIRE to eat certain foods. I have gained only 2 lbs but I am sure that will change as my appetite comes back.

Despite all the joyous news, I still feel nervous as we embrace our 12th week. I guess you always do after the journey we have been on. Monday January 3, 2011 is my NTS scan at the hospital. I will not lie, I am scared, I am anxious and I am nervous. I try and remember that I need to relax and remember to Trust in God's Divine Providence. I will but I am still a little nervous. I just want to hear a good heartbeat and know we have some good development. It is all in God's hands and I pray it will be ok. The Dr office called and said all my pregnancy blood work came back normal ( good news) but I have a urinary tract infection and I am now on antibiotics(bad news). I was having problems completely going and I wake up at night to go and it is only 3 months along. I hope the medicine gives me some relief. I am getting really good at reading at 3 in the morning to help me relax and fall back asleep. I hope there is enough books in the library to get through July!! After Monday's scan, I will have to tell everyone at work so we can start planning for my maternity leave....still cannot grasp that plan yet but that is for another post.

So I wish Happy New Year to all and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers as recently there has been some good news on all fronts from these strong women I call friends. It is a new year and I wish all the health,happiness and good luck to everyone. Thank you to each and everyone of you who have given me such kind words. Whether you know it or not they have given me such comfort and they have come sometimes right when I needed some reassurance. I am here for you and I could not get here without you. Happy New Year 2011 and Best of Luck to us all!!!

Thursday, December 16, 2010

10 weeks and waiting

Today was a good day but I will confess that my nerves are shot. I had a dr appointment at 1:15. I woke up this morning with anxiety..maybe its because I watched the reality show Guiliana and Bill and they were doing their shots and IVF procedures and I so could identify with them both. I just was so scared. Today was a big appointment. We are going to leave Saturday for my parents, we are going to send a Christmas gifts to my husbands parents who live on the west coast announcing the baby but only if the doctor appointment was good. There was a lot riding on today's appointment and I will say the nerves got the best of me.

I arrived early and there were 3 women ahead of me. When the nurse arrived, it was the same young nurse I had 8 months ago. She said looking at my chart "wow you have been through a lot since I last saw you." My heart dropped. Then she did all the bloodwork, blood pressure, weight while chatting away that this is going to be a good appointment for me and that she is positive thinking but it was not helping. Then she ushered me into an exam room and left me to wait for the doctor.

I did not know that my doctor was delayed at surgery next door. So I was alone for 45 minutes on the exam table. I had a lot of time to think and panic but I prayed..and prayed and prayed. I re-read posts from some of the wonderful ladies who have supported me and I be lived. I heard at mass this weekend the priest say "Trust in God's divine Providence." I kept saying it over and over as the time dragged on. After 45 minutes, the doctor arrived and I instinctively held my breath.

As long as it took to get him in the room, the exam was over before I knew it. Maybe it was because as he did the ultrasound, I close my eyes. I did not want to look at the screen until he told me to look. When I did he had froze the screen and snapped the latest photo of our 10 week old baby. I said did you see the heartbeat? and he and the nurse both laughed they said "Did you see all the movement and the heartbeat? The baby is bouncing along and measured right on track. At that moment, I breathed a large sigh of relief. I do not return to him until January 13, 2010 when I will be 14 weeks. I do have to have the Nuchlar Transluccency Scan (NTS) on January 3, 2010 due to my age which he described as a super duper ultrasound but I was surprised he did not want to see me again until my second trimester but I guess as long as he is happy with my progress so am I.

So off to tell the family next week. I will need their prayers and support as we have never made it this far with any pregnancy before and I know that my husband will be relieved to finally have someone else than me to talk to about this baby. Tomorrow is my last day of work until 2011 and I am so excited. I feel like I can breathe again and for even a short time all is ok in the world. In God there is no failure and I know he is here with us even at the time of year where we focus on him more than any other.

I am off to start packing for Christmas trip home. Smiling, tired but happy...we are on our way!!!I continue to pray for all of the wonderful strong women who share this journey to motherhood with me. I am walking this walk with you...I am praying for us all and I know we can do this together!!!!

Friday, December 10, 2010

9 weeks and waiting

Since my last post it has been a crazy week. We are planning on leaving next Saturday for my parents house for Christmas so I have 2 weeks at work to get 4 weeks worth of things done. I have been so tired after the day I cannot even think about reading any of my library books, my blogs, or newspapers I go right to bed.

I am still having a tough time with my stomach not throwing up, but just sour. No food is appealing and I eat like a 2 yr old of cereal, applesauce, toast and some fruit when I can. It has gotten better but it is still present. I also have trouble sleeping through night. I wake up each night and for 1-2 hours I watch tv to try and get sleepy to go back to bed. Lucky that husband and dogs are heavy sleepers.

My next appointment is on the 16th and we will have another ultrasound. I am hoping to be a great visit as we are leaving two days later and we plan to tell our families on Christmas about the pregnancy. I hope we get a good photo so we can use it in the unveiling of everyone's first grandchild. I am scared to death to tell anyone. It has been 9 weeks and only hubby and I and the doctors know about our little firecracker. I am hoping after this visit I can breath and tell our families. I will need them to finish this pregnancy and more prayers are always welcome.

I still have anxiety, I still feel like I am waiting for the other show to drop but I tell the devil to leave me and I focus on the power of god. He has gotten me safe this far and I know he will be with me through it all to the end. This is his season and I feel strong when I think of his power and glory to create a son to a woman who had been born without sin and did not know man. I know he can be with us as we bring this child to our families this season.

I hope next week goes by quickly and I am hoping and praying for good dr appointments (something will never change). I am keeping all of you in my prayers for this holiday season. Good things for us all.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Our little July Firecracker

My second favorite holiday is 4th of July. I do not know if it is the heart of summer,fun and food or the patriotism but it is my favorite holiday behind Thanksgiving. After all my doctor appointments this week, it is my favorite month because it is when our first child is due - July 14, 2011.

My appointment with the RE on November 30, 2010 was scary but very positive. I think my husband and I held out breathe as the doctor came in and started the ultrasound. In fact I did not even look at the screen initially because I was afraid what would be there or not be there. Then the RE turned on the sound and I heard the sweetest noise in the world as our baby's heartbeat. I have never heard such a beautiful sound. The RE said all measurements looked great and he said congratulations and officially graduated us from his program. I think we were still in such shock that we could not even process all the information. The doctor's office gave us a nice graduation package and our babies first teddy bear and photo. I wanted to stare at the screen all day so I guess the photo was a good alternative.

After being released from my RE it was back to my OBGYN who I knew because of my history would want to see me sooner than later which was today December 2, 2010. I was the only patient there this morning and Dr. T took his time. He went over all my records from the RE and I can tell he was going slow so not to get too excited. Then was time for the ultrasound and once again I held my breath. I do not know when and if I will ever stop worrying and actually enjoy these exams but they are still so taxing. There was our little July firecracker with its heart beating away and had even grown in just 2 days from last ultrasound. I was so happy and so was Dr. T. He said "this is a good thing" and he acknowledged that I have been waiting so long for some good news and he was glad to be able to give it to me. He gave me all the normal cautions but he was truly happy with my exam and our little firecracker who measured at 8 weeks. He wants to see me again in 2 weeks just before we leave to go home to my family for Christmas when we should be about 10 weeks. I started to breathe after I left his office.

I want to say thank you to everyone who has been praying for us these last few weeks. I can feel your prayers and I rely on your strength. I still worry every day, I still feel like the other shoe is gonna drop, but I am slowly able to embrace the joy of this pregnancy. I miss my two other pregnancies but I have learned so much and like Dr. T said I have waited a long time just to get to this point it feels good to be in the moment and we are happy just to be here. God is truly all powerful and I thank him for this July blessing every second of the day. Thank you all for being here on the walk and to all of us who still have our journeys to go I am believing in you, for me and for all of us.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Giving Thanks

For the first time in the 10 years my husband and I have been together we are spending this holiday alone. Although it is my favorite holiday next to 4th of July, I am actually looking forward to it. No traveling hassels, no cleaning for company, no preparing meals, no extended house visitors, no family quarrels.

On the flip side I do miss my parents and my mother's soothing conversations and quality tips in the kitchen. I will be home for Christmas and I will get my fill then. So what are we going to do the long weekend???? Relax, rest, clean out a garage(my hubby's list), clean out a closet(my hubby's list)decorate for xmas ( my list).
Anything to keep us busy and keep my mind off Tuesday Doctor appointment. It is early and I have to go out of town for a big case immediately after so I am looking forward to having something else to think about than the results.

I will be 7 weeks and 3 days and I have never had a good appointment at that phase so I am praying and hoping for the best. I have had a tough week of sour stomach and I think I have drank enough ginger ale my blood type is changing to "Canada Dry." Otherwise I am doing well. I am thankful for my husband and my family. I am thankful for this child which continues to grow and prosper. I am thankful for the strong women who have encouraged me on this trip especially when I really needed it.

I am thankful we have all made it through the tough times and I am hoping our futures are full of bright happy memories. I think I will rest this weekend so no posts until after doctor appointment on November 30. Until then I will keep positive thoughts, and praying and believing...I am thankful I can do that this year!

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Off the wagon in a moment of weaknes...

The last 10 days have been a blurr.... I have not had anytime to write down all the feelings that I have now that I can confirm I am pregnant. The 2 blood tests were positive and the levels were properly doubling...(thank you lord). Tomorrow we are officially 6 weeks which makes me scared because in the past we never seem to get past that week.

I know that I am not supposed to compare my past to my future.
I know each pregnancy is different.
I do not want to be overly hopeful but I do not want to deny this child any joy.

Therefore, I keep telling myself "I can be blessed, or I can be stressed and I choose to be blessed." I am thinking about cross stitching it on a sampler since I have been saying it so often these past weeks.

Thankful for all the nice comments and prayers you have all sent.(keep them coming as I am sending them back to you).

We have not told anyone here this time. I don't know why but we will when we are both ready. Our next appointment is on November 30, 2010 for first ultrasound...again never been a good experience in the past and just thinking of it makes me nervous. I have realized in the media recently so many women are coming forward with their miscarriages ( Celion Dion, Mariah Carey, Pink, Guiliana Ranic)...a sorority of amazing women who have walked in our shoes and are so strong and brave to share their struggles and joys in public. I hope to find that courage someday too.

Slowly I tell myself..there is nothing I can do....I have faith.. I believe...I know all things are possible through God and I am thankful for this blessing this month...I just fall off the wagon sometimes and the power or negativity is so strong in moment of weakness is the darkest. But then the sun comes up and I realize we have made it through another day and I say thank you...We are blessed...We will not give up... we will make it... afterall I believe someday we all will.

Monday, November 8, 2010

A Wide Range of Emotions.

I am happy.

I am scared.

I am excited.

I am worried.

I am hopeful.

I am guarded.

I am thankful.

I am fearful.

I am PREGNANT....confirmed by doctor's office this morning.

I cannot put into words to describe much anything else right now. Maybe when the shock wears off or maybe when I return from Wednesday's doctor appointment I will be able to compose my thoughts better. All I can say is I am living in the moment and most thankful to be here.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Its only words.....

Today I was putting away the many, and I mean many of receipts and paperwork we have collected from visits to the doctor. I was looking at the receipt from our second IUI last week and the office had circled "ovulatory dysfunction". As if I did not need anymore pressure that this infertility is my fault since I am older than my husband, I am the one who had the cysts and the fibroids. My husband is the one who has A+ sperm samples month after month. Maybe I am reading too much into this but I felt suddenly more broken than normal. It was like by those words even the doctor was admitting our infertility was my fault. I cannot fix it. I cannot change it. I want so badly to resolve this issue but as I read those words I felt more helpless and more responsible. Maybe its my mid week let down but today was not good for me either personally and or professionally and those words just made it worse. Friday is the office Halloween party where everyone is goign to be bringing their kids to the office for lunch and a costume parade. I am not looking forward to it despite the fact that I am one of the judges for the best costume contest. This week I just feel like the player who never gets to play. Whoever said "words will never hurt me" has never walked in these size 8 1/2 shoes.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Being Defeated Is Temporary;Giving Up is Permanent

Today is my second IUI with my Re. The first 2 weeks of the cycle has been so busy that I cannot believe the day is here already. I had a tense moment on Monday when I went in for an ultrasound and they thought I had a cyst ( at which point they would not let us go forward with trying this cycle) but then a second technician came in and she announced it was a follicle and we were off!!! I also had my parents in town so any drama would not have been good.

Not to mention, I had to fly to New York on Tuesday and I had to carry my syringes with me because after the doctor viewed the ultrasound he announced we have one very large follicle and I would have to give myself my injections Tuesday night as I traveled back from NYC. In case anyone ever wonders you can take syringes on the plane in your carry on ( after hours of research on TSA website). I had no problems going through security in Florida or New York. The only weird incident was that I had to give myself the injections in a bathroom stall in the LaGuardia airport. I will admit not my best moment, but today as I get ready to go for my second IUI it is all worth it. It was a great conference of women in leadership and it was very empowering and wonderful to be with such strong women and hear their viewpoints on leadership and work and families.

I also realized looking at my trusty calender that today would be our due date for our second loss and tomorrow would be one year anniversary (sad) from our first loss D and C. Hence the quote on the top: I realize I am defeated but I not going to give up. I feel sad for all we do not have. I am sad that we have so many losses and so many trials/struggles/failures in the last 15 months. I wish I could have been celebrating with my family our childs due date instead of asking them to pray for us as we are in the middle of TTC#2. In spite of the emptiness that no matter what I do I still have, I have to move forward. I hope that today we will be like a phoenix rising from the ashes and we will have some success from all the saddness of October memories. I am sad, I am scared, I am cautious but I am hopeful and I am having faith we can get up and go through all of this again this month and hope for the best results.

In god there is no failure, so even though the overwhelming feeling of failure I have about my fertility, I blame myself for my age, for my body , everything I think about this process I have or do blame myself but I know that God everything is possible and I hope this is possible for us in October! I am off to the doctor's office with all these emotions hoping for the best but expecting the worst...just like every day in this fertility process but I have faith and today that is something!!!

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Some fun but time flies!!!!

I realized this evening that I have not posted in over 11 days. I knew that my work schedule was going to be busy and it was more than I anticipated. Time did fly at the RE as well, ultrasound check ok, new drug prescriptions (another small fortune) and new dates for this week. Tomorrow another dr exam to see if we have had a good reaction to the meds and can try this week on TTC#2. Keeping our fingers crossed. I hope that time flies during the next 2 weeks as fast as it has been the last 11 days. This post is not all about baby making which is not all bad.

First, a big kudos to my husband who since August 1 has lost 40 lbs on his diet. He keeps me honest and the 19 lbs I lost are good too. Second, I had a great weekend with my parents. My parents live 1,000 miles away and were visiting for the last 5 days. It can be a stressful time but my mom and I went to 8 stores in 2 days trying to stimulate Floria's economy. It was a good time filled with laughter, window shopping and great thanksgiving decorations. I will not see them again until Christmas and there is a lot of time before then. I enjoyed their visit and it was good to not be able to obsess over everything for a while. I have to go to New York this week on business for the day and my mother helped me pick out a nice stylish outfit and new shoes ( what woman does not like a good pair of shoes).

Finally, thanks to my good friend who remembered Friday was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. She had gone on the internet and ordered a pin of pink and blue and a bracelet for me to wear. It was very thoughtful and very nice to be able to share the loss with my small portion of the world. There were times when I want no one to know of our losses and then there are times I want to scream it from the roof tops. This weekend it was the latter. Thank you to my two guardian angels watching over me. Mommy loves you both always.

I hope to a good week for all of us an safe travels to my family and a good news to all of our prayers.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

The Results are in:

The results are in and they are negative. I really do not even like the color pink but everytime I seem to take a pregnancy test I find myself begging and praying for 2 pink lines. The wind really does come out of your sails when the result is one shiny bright pink line instead of two. Once I confirmed that TTC cycle#1 was not a success, I looked at my trusty pocket calender and I realized I will be away this week when I am to have an exam and start my medications. I called the RE and thank god I got the "good nurse" who calmly listened to all my fears. She then went over all of my results with me of the cycle #1 and she said there would be no changes for October or TTC cycle #2 and all of my exams and tests results were right where they wanted them to be for the treatment. She also called in my perscription and gave me an appointment for Tuesday when I am back in town. I really love "the good nurse" and she talked me down off the wall I had scaled myself on.

I am not going to say I was not sad today. I felt like I was a year older than last year when we were pregnant and maybe that is it. I have to say being 38 is scary because my ob always said make sure you have all your kids before you are 40 . Why? He never said but I do feel like I am in a hourglass and the sands are quickly slipping by me. I was sad because I felt like we had done the most aggressive approach and it did not work any better than when my husband and I were just trying on our own. But then I blinked away some tears and tried to focus that I am doing all I can do. I have a doctor who I trust and who trusts me and this treatment. I have gone through one cycle now so I know what to expect, how to handle the medications. I will be better next time. I have to be positive or else I will cry.

My husband was there to be supportive. He tried to make me laugh by saying "when" we conceive this month the baby will be born in July, which is an inside joke because we both have parents born that month that are stubborn, hard headed and strong willed. It would be a fitting to have our child carry on that personality. I have my parents in town this month so as much stress as that can add it will be a nice change. I will have to hide the pocket calender during their visit(smile). So I am on the couch waiting for the Braves baseball game to start trying to feel too much like a failure and trying to remember my rainbow is out there and I just have to find it. Focus on the positive, stay calm and just least for the next few days.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

TTC#1 over this week!!!

From my last post, I will say I had a better week (thanks to encouragement from all). I made my peace with this month's TTC. It was so new with the RE and dr appts and medications, that whatever this cycle brings I am content. I will be sad with a negative result and I would be happy with a positive result but I think this whole cycle was a good learning step for both of us. It was our first trying cycle since February 2010 and it was scary,happy,fearful, and stressful all rolled into one..if that makes sense? Who knew a pocket calender would become my most used item in my purse between RE visits, shots, and pill appointments?

I did have a good follow up with RE, the blood test confirmed that the medications did produce ovulation so the rest is not up to me but up to God(smile). Work and a visit from family this month is going to make TTC cycle #2 if necessary a little bit tricky but my husband and I have talked about it and we will make it work. He is my rock.

So I am 11 DPO today and still not testing. I am gonna wait and let nature take its course which is anytime from Wednesday to Saturday this week. I have to travel for work this month and I have a very big week of out of office assignments Ocotber 11 so whatever happens good or bad work will be a welcome distraction. Until then, off to give my dogs their dinner, my husband a peck on the cheek and maybe we can have dinner out tonight..treat ourselves for a wonderful fall day has come to an end here in Florida. Not too bad a way to start this new week and conclude this first month of TTC. For now that is all I need and as always I am just living in the moment.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

A bad day.

I am extremely moody these days and before you think it is a positive sign - I do not count it as a plus as I am in the two week wait.

Yesterday, I was housecleaning my area where I watch tv. It has all my favorite books I am currently reading, crossword puzzles, photo of my husband, and card from the dogs( really!). It is a great spot in the living room a place where I have curled up with many a good book and cried at many a movie. As I was putting things in order, I found my journal. I had not written in the journal for over 5 months...since my last checkup with my ob after my 2nd d&c. I started the journal after our first loss and before this blog, as a legacy to our children. I would write down how the day went, how I was feeling and so much how much we wanted them in our life with the hope that someday I will share the experience of their journey to be with us and let them know how much we wanted them, how much we went through to get them and how much we love them. I re read the pages from February 2010 when I was last in the two week wait. There was such hope, such joy and then I read the pages where I found out I was pregnant and I realized today I should have been 8 months pregnant ready to deliver our child in October.Then I read the last entries in the journal where I went from planning to tell the family, to scheduling my second d and c and then there was nothing. I never had the energy to pick it back up. It was like a book with a bad ending.

I feel like the wind is knocked out of me. My heart began to ache and nothing I did made it go away. Then my husband began talking about traveling to see his family for the holidays and I panicked...ran to my trusty calender trying to determine when we could go so I did not miss any of my important cycle days to try again in oct, nov, dec, I crazy? We went out on our errands and every women who had a child or was pregnant I kept saying why not me? what did she do differently then me? why am I broken? why can I not achieve the one thing we want so much now?

I am going to an evening mass tonight to find some peace. Sometimes just sitting there with my thoughts makes me feel so much better. It is also where I send up my best prayers to all of those who are struggling. Let's hope it helps..

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Waiting and more waiting.....

I think it is helpful to me to write down what has happened the last 4 days so I can remember it all. On Monday my husband gave the double Ovidrel injection which would trigger ovulation. I had done a ovulation kit on Monday and it was negative. I followed up on Tuesday and I had a positive ovulation test. On Wednesday morning, my husband gave his sperm sample for the IUI. I love this man and I believe the new standard for any single woman who is deciding if the man she is dating is"the one" is if when asked he will give a sperm sample not once but twice without any fuss. He truly is a keeper and as you will see below the doctor's office agreed.

When I arrived at the doctor's office for the IUI, the receptionist said my husband should have received a gold star because he had all his paperwork filled out and proudly turned in his sample on time. I was so proud of him. Then we met the Dr and did the IUI procedure which was so easy compared to all the poking and prodding I have been through in the last year. The RE gave us the results of the sperm specimen and said his sample was a A+ and had plenty of sperm with good mobility. My husband was so proud. The nurse gave us a copy of the print out to keep in our "baby book". Her words exactly which I believe might be a little bit too optimistic for me at this point but I liked her enthusiasm.

After the procedure we rested for 30 minutes and then it was back to normal activities. I know I ovulated yesterday because as all women who are in this process knows their body cm dried up and my cervix was closed. I did not temp this month as I was way too busy and I thought it would only drive me crazy so I cannot tell you if there was a temperature shift.

Now we wait until September 22 for a progesterone blood test and if it is low we take supplements. We were also told to take a home pregnancy test on October 2, 2010. I will not do it then though, as it will be 10 days past IUI but almost 7 days before my period is due. Nothing is worse than taking it and getting a a negative result and or positive result that then turns in to a negative result. I will pick option b which is to wait and wait until period due on October 9, 2010. I am trying not to analyze every little symptom as the day goes on I am thankful that work is so busy that I do not have any time to search the internet. Sometimes I am so thankful for work that I can focus on something other than the slow moving time. I am really tired this morning probably because I was so excited about the IUI yesterday and I am ready for the weekend.

I am praying, I am remembering that: " The happiest people do not necessarily have the best of everything, they just make the best of everything they have." Therefore I am happy to be in the moment. To be waiting for the first time in 8 months for a positive PG test. I am happy to have a job, a loving husband, 2 wonderful dogs and that my alma mater is playing college football tonight ( a great way to pass time.."It's all about the "U"), good friends who support me, and a loving God with whom all things are possible. Am I scared..of course but I am living in the moment and reminding myself this whole experience has been for a reason and even if I don't know what it was now, God knows and it was and always will be his plan for us. I trust. I believe. I am in the moment and for now it feels good, nothing more or less to be right where I am.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

A New 4 day wait!!!!

First, I am thankful that my work was absolutely crazy this week. I hardly had time to breathe but it was good because it kept my mind off the medications I was taking. I did not have time to really worry: "Am I doing giving the shots right?" "Did I take the pills at the right time?"Is it working?" My husband gave me 2 of the 3 shots and I will admit that he has the touch as they did not hurt at all. The one day I gave myself the shot, it stung. Finally, on Saturday morning we had our follow up ultra sound. It is amazing how many young women were at the RE office on a Saturday. I said a silent prayer for all of us this morning that this would be the last Saturday morning that we all spent in the RE office because we had good news.

Ultrasound showed 6 follicles 3 on the left and 3 on the right. As this is the first time I have done this process, I did not write down all the sizes but the nurse said there were about 3 mature follicles at 13 and most important she said it looked good to TTC this week!! I had to have a blood test and wait for the doctor to call at lunch after reviewing test numbers.

The bad nurse called with good news. Estrogen levels were where they are supposed to be and we are going to try and conceive this week. She gave us the TTC plan for September: Sunday is one more shot ( I am going have my husband do this one as he has the gentle touch). Then we give the Ovidrel shots on Monday night ( again my husbands task) which should trigger ovulation between 18-36 hrs after it is administered. On Wednesday September 22, 2010 we are scheduled for our first IUI. Then, for the first time in over 6 months we begin the Two week wait to see our results.

I promise not to drive myself crazy on the internet comparing follicle sizes and estrogen levels with other women who are using an RE. I have had such peace in this process the last week that I am living in the moment and trusting in God that this cycle is a success. I am positive, I am excited,I am hopeful...which is a huge step in the right direction.

Good news to seem to follow the women who have been my biggest supporters. They have been reinvigorated in faith, have found some answers/ made plans and we have been re-charged for the next week. I am praying for us all.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

A new 1 week wait!

Something happened on Friday that had never happened before. A positive ultrasound. After over a year filled with a series of negative transvaginal ultrasounds: no fetal development, no heartbeat, presence of fibroids, presence of cysts, it finally happened on Friday. The nurse said "everything looks good you're ready to begin treatment." I was floored and answered "hurry up and end the scan before you find something and you change your mind." We both laughed. Laughter at my RE office - a second first time occurrence. There is more to the dr visit to include the bad nurse messing up the drug order and the good nurse once again coming to my rescue late Friday but it all ended well.

So begins our next phase. It is a complex regimen of pills(Letrozode) for 5 days then shots (Follitism) Mon, Wed and Friday next week.Then, another dreaded Saturday ultrasound to see if my body is reacting well to the medicines and if we get a second greed light to try in September. So its a new 1 week wait but it is a positive one. As I am a Type A personality, it feels good to be "doing" something in this process where so much is out of my control. I have no answers as to why we lost 2 children, why I cannot carry babies past first trimester,but for the first time in this process I am hopeful. I know all the negatives that can happen, I know I may not make it this month to try but I am trying and I am looking forward to the best but expecting the worst( with my track record that may never go away).

Thank you to all of the prayers and sweet thoughts sent. They really meant a lot to me and I keep you all in my prayers daily. I could not have made it through yesterday without you and I hope your weekend is better than expected.

Slow me down Lord to remember that nothing is going to happen today that you and I cannot handle!

Thursday, September 9, 2010

The Good, the Bad and The Ugly

The Good:

1. I have lost 15 lbs on diet and I am at the lowest weight in years.
2. My dog has completely recovered from his surgery and has a clean bill of health.
3. I love my husband more each day ( and its mutual).
4. Dr. appointment tomorrow for ovary check to see if we are ok to try in 12 days

The Bad:

1. Dr. appointment tomorrow for ovary check to see if we are ok to try in 12 days.
2. 1 YEAR from our first pregnancy and we have endured 2 losses and 4 surgeries.

The Ugly:

1. Jealousy to others who have achieved pregnancy and are raising their children
2. Unable to ease the pain of women who have provided me support in the past and are having bad days this week on our journey.
3. Next month would have been our due date on baby #2.

I am a big list person so I wrote this down today. A positive is the good out weigh the bad and the ugly, but the ugly is consuming my mind.

I have been so busy at work and trying to make it through this week, that I have not posted but really I have been in a bad mood. I found myself envious of women in church this week who were holding their babies during mass. I found myself unable to read friends blogs about their 3 months old daughters knowing our first baby was due in June 2010 and it should be the same posts for us. The top was a invitation to a christening of a co worker who had newborn twins . The beautiful invitation gave me no joy, I felt sadness and an emptiness that I immediately began to think of how we can get out of going to the event instead of sharing their joy.

More importantly, I have read the blogs of the women who have given me such inspiration and strength over the last few months and they are hurting this week. Maybe it is the time of the year!!! I want so much to give them comfort, to tell them they need to continue the fight. I want them to stop hurting. I want them to have all their dreams come true but I cannot find the words to accomplish all of the above. I want to tell them how much they mean to me and how I pray for them each night. I laugh at their blogs in happier times and I cry when I read their posts during the dark days that we all have. I could have written their words: I too have cried in the car outside dr office, I have envied healthy, non worrying bigbellied pregnant women, I have asked God why, I have wanted to give up.

I have told no one at work or in my town about our struggle. These women have been my lifeline and my strength through this and I want them to know without them, their experiences (good/bad) I would not be here. I want to help them as they have helped me. I want them to know that even though it is dark for them this week, to remain strong, remain hopeful, remain positive.

I have my own dr appointment tomorrow. A point I have been at 3 times in the last 5 months only to be told bad news. I am trying to think positively but I will admit I am scared. It takes so much energy and strength to put on a brave face and go there to hear if we are able to try this month or will it be another setback but tonight in my prayers it is about the good, the bad and the ugly. I will say some extras for the women who have been my support and I hope tomorrow is a better day for all of us.

Difficult things are put in our way not to stop us but to make us stronger!!!! The closing hymn in church was:

Be not afraid..I go before you always; Come follow me and I will give you rest.

(Which is what I will be thinking tonight and tomorrow for all of us)

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Back on track....excited yet scared

Friday was my post op appointment and I was pleased when my RE, announced the surgery was a success and the cysts were benign. I was even happier when he said that I had been poked and proded from April 2010 and that he thought I was ready for an aggressive plan to get pregnant next month..Next month were words which I felt was an answer to our prayers. Since our last miscarriage in March 2010 I always thought we would be cleared to try sooner than now, then I tried to ignore that we could not try, and now that the dr says we can try I am in a mix of emotions from hope to fear.

As the bad nurse ( see previous posts) explained, it all begins with my next period day 1 (Septemeber 9) and then more ultrasounds, some expensive shots to stimulate the ovaries and then we are on our way. I still do not know if I can give myself the shots. I still do not know if I am going to let myself get my hopes up but it is hard not to be even a little hopeful.

Today,I opened the cabinet that had my prenatal vitamins in it. A place where I hid them after our last loss in hurt to see the bottle on the counter. It hurt to see them these last 4 months as we went through all our tests and my surgeries . It is strange that a bottle of prenatal vitamins that is too bring us something good, caused so much hurt. Despite the past, I took them again this morning as part of our new diet (my husband has lost 25 and I have lost 13 pounds during our first month on the diet). I am getting my body ready for September and I am trying to be optimistic. I am trying to believe it will be ok this time and we can try and conceive. To believe it will work the first time is a dream I do not allow myself to have now. I admit that I allowed myself to think it would be a May 2011 baby if we conveived next month but I forced myself to stop.

For now the wait is for the next 12 days. I am taking those vitamins and I am trying not listen to the voices in my head which tell me all the bad things that can happen, how we are one year older, how we have been disappointed twice before, how the hurt is still there when I think we should be delivering our child in October. I put all those voices aside and I hope, I pray and I love.

My blessing is on its way...let's hope it will be here next month. Give me the strength, give me patience, give me hope.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

After surgery......

Yesterday was a long day. I had to stop eating and drinking after midnight and the surgery was not until head hurt so much from the lack of water that I was glad to have the surgery. Dr said he was pleased with the results...the cyst was larger and more involved with the ovary than the ultrasound showed. I will know more on Friday when I meet with him to remove my stitches as the above was from my husband. I was trying to shake off the anesthesia and swallow the pain meds in the recovery room.

So today, I am really sore and bruised in my lower half but I am resting and napping and reading. One trip was to have breakfast at a diner, where I am convinced every women was pregnant or with a newborn. My husband said we see what we desire most. I think this time he is right. For now I am healing and I am just trying to keep my mind off of what is the next step and happy to know the lord brought us through a 4th surgery. I have to believe all of this has been for some reason. I am ready for the next step, some happiness and some joy. I am ready...we are ready.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Twas the night before surgery

Ok I am supposed to be getting good at surgery prep so the night before my surgery I am eating as much food as I can before my midnight fast begins. I met the doctor and he said time to take this persistent cyst out. It actually is larger than last month. He said it will be an easy surgery but as you know doctors they have to tell you the informed consent: well there is a 1% chance it is ovarian cancer. I know those are good odds it is not...but I was freaked out. On the positive side, he said this should be a quick recovery and we can get on track to trying to conceive in about 30 days.
Just in case, I said some extra prayers the last two nights. Luckily work was CRAZY and I went in at 7:30 am and left at 9:00pm. I got everything cleaned up so I can go to surgery and recovery this weekend with a peace of mind. It was a long day but it was worth it.
So I am off to give my husband a hug, and pet my dogs. Time To get some rest. I pray that god will see me through tomorrow. I was listening to my favorite gospel station today and I heard the verse: "God always lifts me high above, all the things that try to tear me down." He certainly did for my day at work. Therefore I put my heart, my soul and my body in his hands and I have faith tomorrow will be a good day for surgery. I pray it will be a successful surgery and I am one step closer to conceiving/carrying our child. Lift me up Lord over all the doubts and fears I have about tomorrow's surgery.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Surgery for me and the dog!

Today I found out my older dog, Captain will have surgery on Thursday August 12, 2010 to remove a fatty solid from his shoulder( what the vet said). I am praying for his quick return home. I spoil my dogs as they give us the unconditional love we look for. They never care if I am home late, my hair is messy, my clothes are not designer. They love me for being their owner who rubs their belly, fills their bowls and throws the frisbee. My husband said Captain and I will recover from our surgeries together. I hope he is right. I pray to God Captain will be just fine.

My surgery was successfully moved up 10 days to August 20th. I can honestly say I am excited to be moving on this plan. I checked myself in the mirror today and I realized I smiled, I did not immediately see the failings. I felt good today and I think it is hope inside me. I am always amazed by the power of faith. I believe:

Although each day brings challenges and things that are unknown.
You needn't face them by yourself or deal with them alone.
For others care about you and will keep you close in prayer.
And above all, God will guide you- for his love is always there.

Guide me. I am ready. Keep me strong to make it through Captain and my surgeries. Keep me full of love for my husband and my family. Love me, lead me to our child. Keeping all in my thoughts and prayers.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Two weeks later, 4th surgery scheduled

Time goes by so slow when we want it to go by fast. In an effort to help distract me from the wait, I started a new diet with my husband which included in a summary: giving up carbs and sugar for the first week of detox, took appetite's suppressants, stopped appetitte suppressants due to heart palpitations, Lost 4 lbs while trying to keep up with husband who has lost 8.5lbs. It is a diet which you eat protein only for 3 days, then gradually add back in vegetables/fruit and eventually good carbs ( cannot wait for that day).

Went to my RE appointment and had the bad nurse. I need to explain that my RE has two nurses which I call the bad and the good nurses. Very similar to the good/bad witches in the Wizard of Oz only in a fertility clinic. The bad nurse is a young woman who I am sure never reads my chart,has no idea why I am there and treats me like a block of time on her schedule. An example would be at an earlier appointment she said "our goal is for someday you will be pregnant." Hello!! Read my chart, I HAVE been pregnant - twice in fact and getting there is not the issue, keeping my baby is. The good nurse is an older woman who knows my history, who returns phone calls timely and who shows actual interest in my progress.

The bad nurse confirmed via ultrasound that the cyst on my left ovary did not reduce at all after 2 weeks of medication. As much as I tried not to cry, I explained my struggle and that I needed to hear from the doctor on the next step. She actually softened up and promised she would get with him that day and the would call me with the plan. She lied.

My work schedule got crazy and before I knew it 3 days went by and the bad nurse never called. On the 4th day I called and left a message(in a nice unpleasant tone) to please have dr return call about the plan. Thankfully within 2 hrs, the good nurse called (I am sure in her pink dress and magic wand). The good nurse informed me the dr reviewed my records and long story short - the cyst has to come out via surgery. It is set for either August 27 or September 2 due to the dr schedule and hospital availability. The good nurse will call on Monday to confirm date as there maybe some changes in calender but she did not want me to worry all weekend without answers(hence why I call her the "good" nurse).

So 4th surgery in 10 months. No trying in August or September and I feel the clock ticking ticking ticking. It will be one year in September since we first became pregnant and all we have to show for it will be 2 losses, and 4 surgeries - that is the grim reality. On the other hand, I am thankful we have a plan again and we are on track for more progress. I still resent(wrongly)those that are pregnant and have carefree deliveries but I focus on the hope that sometime, someday, we will be pregnant and we will be updating our family and friends of our progress.

I confess: I had a plan to have our first child by now. I had a plan to have begun preparing to conceive our second child by now. I had a plan to do this without a problem, without drs, without 4 surgeries. As I keep telling myself(in a daily mantra): I am not in control of the plan. I cannot control this process and the only one who can is God. I am thankful for my husband and our dogs and I must believe that God has a plan and it will be revealed to us in God's matter what I plan ( smile). Until then, I pray, I love my husband and I work on my diet and I hope. I hope for a solution, I hope for progress, I hope I can do this 4th surgery and conceive a child.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

In the Beginning.....

This journey had to start somewhere. In the beginning, it was just me. I never thought I would get married, never thought I wanted children. I often tell my husband, "I started to live the day I met you", (which is true) and that was 10 years ago. Now we have been happily married for 7 years and we have been through the ups and downs of married life. We have left the military, moved to a new state, bought our first house, found our first(sometime our second and third) civilian jobs, worked long hours to move up the corporate ladder, rescued one dog from SPCA, survived 4 hurricanes, gained weight, rescued second dog from Animal Shelter, but through it all we have loved and supported one another and built a strong marital foundation. I would not be here today but for my husband and there is nothing I would not do for him or with him.

So when I was about to turn 37, we decided it was time to start a human family ( the dogs are by far our first family). I went off the pill and we were not really trying and we were surprised when we became pregnant in September 2009. We were thrilled yet we were scared. We told no one but each other. I waited anxiously to go to my first OB appointment at 8 weeks. I had no symptoms ( other than a missed period) and I read every blog, every article, every web site on pregnancy and was really excited for this baby which was due June 2010 per the baby calender websites I checked 10 times a day and the baby web sites soon added to my favorites. Then 2 days before my first appointment I started bleeding. This is where the story takes a turn. The doctor said I had miscarried at 6 weeks,I had my first D & C on October 22, 2009. It is hard to describe to others the emotions that week created in me. Gone are the joy filled pregnancy moments. Gone are the plans, the nursery, telling family and friends and in its place are all these doubts and fears. Did I do something wrong? Did we wait to long to have children? Should I change my diet or lose weight to prevent miscarriage? Am I too stressed at work did that cause it? All of these anxieties filled my head and my heart. My dr not too concerned and said "just wait 2 cycles" and try again.

In the meantime, I read many books on miscarriages and loss. For the first time I tried yoga for relaxation, I began to record my basal temperature, I used ovulation kits and pre seed and just as predicted 2 cycles later we were pregnant again in February 2010 (Super Bowl Sunday). This time I was even more cautiously optimistic but I still held my breath. My doctor wanted to see me at 5 weeks this time because of our previous loss. My first appointment he said all looked good and I measured at the right size and that at my next appointment at 2 weeks later ( I would be 7 weeks) we should hear a heartbeat. I slowly began to breathe. I had loss of appetite and morning sickness ( another reminder that this was a different pregnancy). I started to believe again, to dream of this child due in October 2010. How would we tell our family and friends and when? How would my work schedule look in fall to take time off? Who would be the god parents? What color should we paint the nursery walls? These and other thoughts that fill your head when you are pregnant and no fear of loss. But there in the back of my head was that voice that told me to be cautious and go slow. When I checked in at the Dr office they gave me a welcome bag of new mom magazines, and giveaways and I asked the nurse to keep it. I just did not want to get ahead of myself because I was still scared. The nurse asked for payment for a future doctor visit, I asked to wait until we made it past the first trimester. This is the scar of miscarriage. Gone are all the free happy thoughts that this pregnancy will be fine. All the smiling pregnant women in the waiting room of my doctor's office with large round bellies and no doubts, no fears, no worries. Never again can I be a part of that group. My worst fears were realized at my next appointment. No heartbeat, no fetal development another miscarriage this time at 7 weeks. I had my second D & C on March 31, 2010.

This time the recovery was slow. I had such heartbreak and physical symptoms that I did not want to get out of bed in the morning( which is hard when you are a professional and no one at work knows you miscarried or why you do not come to work this week). When I went back to the doctor and he said that this was just "old eggs" and I could "try again next cycle" it was like a bell went off in my head. I had to so something other than "try again next cycle" There must be a reason for 2 losses in 6 months other than "old eggs". I was so saddened. I cried, I starved myself, I overate, I wallowed in pity, I watched tv for days, I read 10 books ( fiction) from the library in 2 weeks. I made my husband delete all the pregnancy and baby websites we added to our favorites list because when I went on the computer it was too hard to see those previous searches which had brought me such joy. I tried to do anything else but think about our second child we had lost. Then when none of the above worked. When the sun still rose every morning, and I had cried enough, written in a journal enough, read enough and nothing changed where we were in this process I dusted myself off, stood up and contacted a RE and began in April 2010 phase 2 of my reproductive journey searching for answers and babies.

My first visit with RE was re-asurring. He believed there was a physical cause for the multiple losses. He believed I had come to him at the right time ( as at 38 is the start of the down cycle of your egg inventory") we ran blood work and tests on both me and my husband. All of which came back normal. Then we did a dye x-ray of the uterus and found a fibroid in the top lining of my uterus. Time for another surgery ( my 3rd one in 9 months). The RE removed the fibroid and said my uterus looked good. The recovery was slower than the D& C and I had to have a place setter in my uterus while it healed which felt like I was sitting on a pin all the time. But despite the pain, bleeding on my follow up visit we were given a go ahead to try in July 2010 with a prescribed plan. We were going to have an ultrasound check on day 1 of my cycle, then a prescription for 5 days to stimulate ovulation, then more ultrasounds and then timed intercourse the weekend of July 23-24th. (For those of you who have been through this before I know you understand the process.) Once again I was so hopeful. I was healed, I had a plan and we were ready to be successful in July 2010.

At my day 1 appointment, the nurse gave me the bad news. A cyst was present on my left ovary and we could not use the prescriptions and we needed to wait a month while on birth control to see if the cyst would resolve itself or we had to face a 4th surgery. This event on July 13,2010 is the reason this blog is created.

I was devastated. I do not know how to describe to someone how much strength and courage it takes to get up each day and go to a dr appointment when the news has always been bad. You want to be hopeful but you want to be realistic. You hope for the best but you expect the worst. I cried and cried in the bathroom of the RE's office ( also has been done in my OB's office) until I could sneak out behind my sunglasses to the car and call my husband. Another set back and another possible surgery. I could barely function and I had to get to the office and act like nothing is wrong. I know this is not the same as our 2 previous losses but in the mental game of my fertility it might as well have been. Another look at the calender another potential 3 months of delays. I realized next month it would be a year since our first pregnancy and we have had no successes and huge losses. I was hurting. I stepped on the scale and realized I had gained 15 lbs since our first pregnancy. I was heartbroken. Nothing worked to ease my pain, so I went to the internet and I found blogs of other women who are struggling and I read their words and I realized(more than once) I could have written them. So from here on in I will join them and I will write them. I thank two women who inspired me to start this: Shandrea at and an unknown blog that played the video "While I'm Waiting" which inspired the title. Thank you for your courage and strength to share your journey with us and you will always be my inspirations.

So here we are "At the beginning" of my blog where, I realized that during this process there is one thing all of us do... "wait". We wait for our temperatures each day, we wait for ultrasounds, we wait to ovulate, we wait to have intercourse, we wait to take pregnancy tests, we wait for our levels to rise, we wait for our period to pass so we can try again, we wait for our next doctor appointment to find out our next step. We wait, we wait and we wait..sometimes with good and sometimes with bad results but no matter what we all wait.

Therefore, this is a blog about my wait to have a child and its ups and downs. This is a blog about what we do while we wait and even if no one reads it but me, I feel better sharing these emotions with someone other than my husband and my dogs ( both of which have been amazing). So if your curious to see how the story ends, (and I am very curious) let's get started and stay tuned. So "we wait" until July 27 for our next doctor appointment to see if the cyst is gone. What we do "while we're waiting" is the subject of the next post. Give me strength and keep me in your thoughts and prayers