Thursday, October 21, 2010

Being Defeated Is Temporary;Giving Up is Permanent

Today is my second IUI with my Re. The first 2 weeks of the cycle has been so busy that I cannot believe the day is here already. I had a tense moment on Monday when I went in for an ultrasound and they thought I had a cyst ( at which point they would not let us go forward with trying this cycle) but then a second technician came in and she announced it was a follicle and we were off!!! I also had my parents in town so any drama would not have been good.

Not to mention, I had to fly to New York on Tuesday and I had to carry my syringes with me because after the doctor viewed the ultrasound he announced we have one very large follicle and I would have to give myself my injections Tuesday night as I traveled back from NYC. In case anyone ever wonders you can take syringes on the plane in your carry on ( after hours of research on TSA website). I had no problems going through security in Florida or New York. The only weird incident was that I had to give myself the injections in a bathroom stall in the LaGuardia airport. I will admit not my best moment, but today as I get ready to go for my second IUI it is all worth it. It was a great conference of women in leadership and it was very empowering and wonderful to be with such strong women and hear their viewpoints on leadership and work and families.

I also realized looking at my trusty calender that today would be our due date for our second loss and tomorrow would be one year anniversary (sad) from our first loss D and C. Hence the quote on the top: I realize I am defeated but I not going to give up. I feel sad for all we do not have. I am sad that we have so many losses and so many trials/struggles/failures in the last 15 months. I wish I could have been celebrating with my family our childs due date instead of asking them to pray for us as we are in the middle of TTC#2. In spite of the emptiness that no matter what I do I still have, I have to move forward. I hope that today we will be like a phoenix rising from the ashes and we will have some success from all the saddness of October memories. I am sad, I am scared, I am cautious but I am hopeful and I am having faith we can get up and go through all of this again this month and hope for the best results.

In god there is no failure, so even though the overwhelming feeling of failure I have about my fertility, I blame myself for my age, for my body , everything I think about this process I have or do blame myself but I know that God everything is possible and I hope this is possible for us in October! I am off to the doctor's office with all these emotions hoping for the best but expecting the worst...just like every day in this fertility process but I have faith and today that is something!!!


  1. Sending you love and hugs as you move forward with the IUI. And passing along LOTS of baby dust, the sparkly, sticky kind :) I have FAITH in your journey.

    As for those thoughts that creep in...I understand and only wish I could do more to encourage you. I remember being exactly where you are and the only thing that pulled me through was prayer and lots of it. It still does...HE is my constant.

    Love to you

  2. I was totally wondering about traveling with meds on a plane. I don't think that I am going to be flying, but it has been a possibility and I wondered about the needles themselves. I'm praying for your cycle that this one be successful!! Your attitude is great and know that there are people lifting up and supporting you!!!

  3. I hope the IUI went smoothly and was as enjoyable as possible. :) I still can't give myself the injections, so I don't know what I would have done! Probably asked around the airport for a nurse or doctor to give it to me. :)

  4. Sorry it's been a while, i've been on a bit of a blog break. I just want you to know that you are never far from my my mind. Sending you Love and Prayers. ((HUGS))