Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Its only words.....

Today I was putting away the many, and I mean many of receipts and paperwork we have collected from visits to the doctor. I was looking at the receipt from our second IUI last week and the office had circled "ovulatory dysfunction". As if I did not need anymore pressure that this infertility is my fault since I am older than my husband, I am the one who had the cysts and the fibroids. My husband is the one who has A+ sperm samples month after month. Maybe I am reading too much into this but I felt suddenly more broken than normal. It was like by those words even the doctor was admitting our infertility was my fault. I cannot fix it. I cannot change it. I want so badly to resolve this issue but as I read those words I felt more helpless and more responsible. Maybe its my mid week let down but today was not good for me either personally and or professionally and those words just made it worse. Friday is the office Halloween party where everyone is goign to be bringing their kids to the office for lunch and a costume parade. I am not looking forward to it despite the fact that I am one of the judges for the best costume contest. This week I just feel like the player who never gets to play. Whoever said "words will never hurt me" has never walked in these size 8 1/2 shoes.


  1. I can feel your pain on this one! First it's the mthfr gene mutation, then it's the natural killer cells, then everything else looks great, oh wait, not so much you may have egg quality issues as well. And the hits keep coming! I feel broken too, so I get it! Sending you some much needed love and encouragement! You can do this, you can overcome, and you WILL be successful!! I don't think judging the costume contest sounds all that fun either. Halloween is a big fat reminder that you DON'T have kids! Sorry you're having a rough day! Lots and lots of love!!!

  2. I don't think you are being overly sensitive. There is always something like that to trigger those feelings of inadequacy, but guess what? I have to remind myself that I was designed exactly like God wanted me. That sometimes helps me...Other times I just have to wallow for a little while. :)

  3. I just want to send you some love. Let you know that i am thinking of you. and hoping and praying things go well for you. HUGS