Saturday, August 28, 2010

Back on track....excited yet scared

Friday was my post op appointment and I was pleased when my RE, announced the surgery was a success and the cysts were benign. I was even happier when he said that I had been poked and proded from April 2010 and that he thought I was ready for an aggressive plan to get pregnant next month..Next month were words which I felt was an answer to our prayers. Since our last miscarriage in March 2010 I always thought we would be cleared to try sooner than now, then I tried to ignore that we could not try, and now that the dr says we can try I am in a mix of emotions from hope to fear.

As the bad nurse ( see previous posts) explained, it all begins with my next period day 1 (Septemeber 9) and then more ultrasounds, some expensive shots to stimulate the ovaries and then we are on our way. I still do not know if I can give myself the shots. I still do not know if I am going to let myself get my hopes up but it is hard not to be even a little hopeful.

Today,I opened the cabinet that had my prenatal vitamins in it. A place where I hid them after our last loss in hurt to see the bottle on the counter. It hurt to see them these last 4 months as we went through all our tests and my surgeries . It is strange that a bottle of prenatal vitamins that is too bring us something good, caused so much hurt. Despite the past, I took them again this morning as part of our new diet (my husband has lost 25 and I have lost 13 pounds during our first month on the diet). I am getting my body ready for September and I am trying to be optimistic. I am trying to believe it will be ok this time and we can try and conceive. To believe it will work the first time is a dream I do not allow myself to have now. I admit that I allowed myself to think it would be a May 2011 baby if we conveived next month but I forced myself to stop.

For now the wait is for the next 12 days. I am taking those vitamins and I am trying not listen to the voices in my head which tell me all the bad things that can happen, how we are one year older, how we have been disappointed twice before, how the hurt is still there when I think we should be delivering our child in October. I put all those voices aside and I hope, I pray and I love.

My blessing is on its way...let's hope it will be here next month. Give me the strength, give me patience, give me hope.


  1. Sending you love and prayers and hoping that September is your rainbow baby making month! BELIEVE!!! Your do is gorgeous! My dogs are my first children, my first dog passed away in March (in the midst of a lot of baby mama drama) and it was one of the hardest things that has ever happened, some may think that is crazy. But O'Brien was my first child and after 11 years, he had been around way b/f the husband, through all of the horrible things in my life and had snuggled me in the way that only he knew how after both of my losses. I still miss him every single day! So, I understand them being your first children! Sending up prayers for you in FL! Try as best you can, not to think about the bad, and when you need some help, call on us!!!

  2. YaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaY! Can you tell i'm excited for you;O) I am glad that you get to start trying sooner than expected. Know that I am here hoping and praying with you. I know that it is at times scary to have hope, so just know that i'm thinking and hoping all of those things for you so if you're not always feeling it at the time, it's okay, i'm back you up;o) Sending you so many hugs right now;o)